Heart full....

I love my family.

I love my new brother. God has used him to bless me in many many ways. I'm so thankful for His and my sister's relationship and marriage. It is such a beautiful picture to me with their hearts for the Lord and to love and serve others... Tom and his tender heart and his quickness to ask forgiveness or to be sensitive in any given situation. He is a man of God and I'm so thankful for who he is in my sister's life and in our whole family.

"Learn much of the Lord Jesus. For every look at yourself, take ten looks at Christ. He is altogether lovely." - Robert Murray McCheyne

I read that ^^ quote earlier today and it really blessed me. Last week at dance my oldest group of girls and I were reading out a book called "The Vision and the Vow" and in that particular chapter it talked about stopping whatever you are doing and just taking time to be honest before the Lord and to truly answer the question do you Love Him most.

Honestly there are times I don't love Him most. I get distracted. I go to other things before I go to Him in the morning. I think of what I need to do, sleep in, get distracted by Emails.

All Jesus asks for is my heart.

Yet my heart is everything.

Jesus lives in my heart.

It was a good conversation about honestly coming before Jesus asking and begging Him to help us love Him first. Every day saying Jesus, help me love you first. And coming back to receiving His love. He has SO much He wants to share - there is never a time I have regretted being still before Him and coming to Him honestly. I regret many other ways I spend my time but never do I regret a moment in my Savior's presence.

There are days when I'm tired. So many people I love and care about are hurting. My heart hurts with them. Jesus how often you must hear and carry our broken hearts. So much sin, your creation groans. And we ask "How long, O Lord?"

And it also raises a battle cry within my heart... to not give up the fight. Life is not a game it's a war. And we are soldier's of the cross of Christ. He is carrying us and holding us up in the throne room - we can depend on Him to. He promises in His word.

We are not guaranteed tomorrow, only the present moment.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." (Hebrews 12:2)

I am officially headed back to China this summer as well... I will be back in the city of Kunming serving with Bring Me Hope camps under the Hedden's Family. This is the same city my two sister's live in, Cookie and Gracie so I am beyond thrilled to be spending a more extended time there. Please be praying for me and funding for this. Helping me to be wise and to come up with creative ways as well to raise funds. There are some people from Grand Rapids/Lansing area hoping to come volunteer as well depending on whether or not funds can be raised.

I was on a prayer/conference call the other night for the new movie that Bring Me Hope is putting out to raise awareness for orphans in China. God has already provided a huge amount of funding for this project but there is still a huge amount more needing to be funded. As I was praying I couldn't help but think, "Money to God is nothing... His storehouses are endless and money is not a heavenly kingdom thing, it's an earthly thing and God will always provide what we NEED!" It was a bit of a revelation thinking of money in that way.

Jesus, in all these things, with a full heart, let us fix our eyes on YOU!

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace"

Amen and amen!

P.S! I want to live outside right now in New Zeeland or Fiji and hike in mountains and sleep in hammocks under the stars and swim under water falls and go cliff jumping and surfing! also this blog post turned into something a lot longer than I anticipated.

receiving.

i love dressing up.

this girl here (Christiana) has been one of those friends that comes into your life and just sticks.

we laugh so hard we pee.
we can talk about everything. and i mean everything.

today we went goodwill and salvation army shopping and got these matching sweater vests.

we shared some good old french press coffee.
potato soup and potatoes.

more than that we shared the kind of conversation that blesses you in the deepest parts of your heart.

she reminded me of something that should be something i think about daily. but it's also easy to forget.

[Jesus] does not see us as our sins deserve. He sees us in light of what He suffered on the cross. Cleansed before Him by His blood. He doesn't see us as we deserve.




sitting in a room filled with all sorts of different people singing a song about forgiveness...

"wade in the water... of forgiveness."

my friend kelsey played at folk night and she has such a way with writing music that is honest and filled with amazing lyrics.

she talked about receiving forgiveness and offering forgiveness and how they correlate.

that's something i've been thinking about - receiving something is humbling because it means you recognize your need for something.

receiving Jesus' forgiveness and love is humbling because it means confession. it means recognizing a deep need.

and receiving the fact that we do not need to live in guilt because He doesn't see us as guilty.
letting go of yourself. [yourguilt]

and seeing your great need.
receiving Jesus for everything He is. including the way He washes us clean. and purifies us and sees us as pure and clean.

"no guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of [Christ] in me."

Because their stories need to be told... HoungHoung

Let me introduce you to a little girl named, Houng Houng. This past summer I got to know this little girl when we moved from being at Continue Home in Yantai to regular camp. I didn't get to interact with her much because she wasn't my assigned buddy at camp but everytime we saw each other we would hug! I wish I knew more of her story but I remember when she had to leave....

Most of the kids start acting a little different the last few days of camp whether they cry more or get upset more easily - it's that deep pain of having to go back to their orphanages or difficult living situations. Breaks my heart! It made me sad to see her struggling the last day of camp and wondering what she had to go back to. All I know is that I loved her so much and she needed as many hugs and kisses as anybody could give her!

sisterlove!

I adore my big sister.

She is getting married in 18 days and it's so weird thinking about! I am so super excited for her and seeing God's plan in her life unfolding into a new season...

{And even though I know she isn't moving across the world, I will still miss her!}

I have been thinking about how much she has impacted my life. I think she has given me freedom to be so free in who I am and willing to try doing anything! Even when I was really little, I remember her always welcoming me in.

She did it tonight too in a coffee shop, while she was talking to someone and I wasn't sure wether or not to join she held out her hand to me, and that is what she has done her whole life. Even if she was playing with her 'cool' older friends she ALWAYS let me join in...

I think she has given me a lot of the confidence I have today to try things, because she always welcomed me in to try anything that "the big kids were doing."

She is amazing.

I love you sister!!!

"Season of the Fall" {continued from the bike post}

"

"Season of the Fall"

10/21/2011

How many times I've said, "Lord take away me"
The deepest parts of my heart
that I've put {my} seal upon
The beautiful parts You created but when I seal away
How dark they become without Your light

There are parts I like to hold
{I think they are mine}
But what have I, whom have I in heaven
But You alone, Lord

The parts of my heart I may be choking growth
Or the dead parts that need to fall away
Making room for new growth, parts that are meant to flourish

And the falling away of death
Parts that have died, parts of ourselves
Of course death is painful, it's not natural
But how can I fully live, if the pieces of me that have died
Are choking the places meant to be alive

Sometimes I want to be still, to hear the dead pieces fall away
to sit in the dead leaf pile
To rake them all up in a pile and dive in
To dive into the once comfortable places
I need time to realize what has died
to take time to cry over my lost parts
Sometimes it's good to dive into what has died

But in those moments when I want to cling to death
Lord, deliver me from that valley
And I feel Your hand, your life giving touch
Reminds me that three days in the grave were more than enough

You have taken all those leaves in my dead pile
Those things forever gone, You took them all
So I can live

Oh what grace to let me live,
To touch me, no hold my heart
You understand like no one else
The process of death and life
And You carry me through

You not only carry away my death, You breathe life
and freedom
{Joy alone in Your presence}
You heal my deepest places, You understand
You love me in my season of the fall

Because their stories need to be told... Isaac.

This sweet little guy is Isaac.

I have so many amazing stories about the sweet children in China that I'm going to do a series on my blog high-lighting some of them over this next year called, "Because their stories need to be told..."

Isaac came to camp in Kunming in 2010 when I was there. These pictures of Isaac and me were at the end of a week at camp. He is such a precious little guy - in fact we usually referred to him as Sweet Isaac.

At the orphanage where Isaac lives, they chain him to his chair because he is a "runner." He has a tendency to run away. This sounds horrible and it is but they are actually doing it to try and protect him because they don't want him to run away.

Isaac is mentally disabled and at the orphanage they don't have the abilities to give him the attention and love that he needs so they chain him so he doesn't run away. He came to us with scratches and cuts on himself because he doesn't have anything to do he usually would sit there and hurt himself. Writing these things and remembering it all makes me cry.

When he came to camp he could hardly sit still for more than two seconds before darting around or trying to run. But after getting used to his foreign volunteer (my sweet friend, Kelly!) he started calming down.

It really was amazing what a week in a loving environment did. He was so much more calm and able to sit still and he was so loving. He hugged all the time and just craved that attention. We tried to get foster care for him in China as that would have been a better situation than sending him back to the orphanage but it fell through.

Isaac is so incredibly precious.
And there are so many more "Isaac's" out there.
I miss him.
And I pray for him and...
Someday I wish I could take him home.

bikes and God hugs.

Tonight I went for a bike ride and there were little kids and their parents playing in the leaves. And the air had that tiny bit of fall nippy-ness...

And leaves were falling.

And I asked God to take me through a season of fall, letting old leaves fall off... they might look pretty and colorful but they are dead.

And then I rode my bike letting go of my handlebars.

And it was scary.
{Last time I did that I hit a bump and flew over my handle bars and it hurt}

But I let go and this time I didn't fall and it didn't hurt and I think that was significant for the season I am in right now. It was God speaking to me in away I understand.
Letting go can be scary - but when you let go you find so much freedom.

Mr. and Mrs. Collins

This girl right here is a sister and one of my favorite partners in crime, laughing (hysterically) buddies, my sister who I can absolutely and freely share my heart with and who encourages me so much. Someone I can be real with and who I know is always cheering me on to be my best. She is known to me as Squishy and I am her Pip and she is just one of the most amazing people you will ever meet.




She got married this weekend to the amazing Pj (who I unfortunately don't have any pictures of!) and I am sooo excited for them. I really believe God has some awesome things in store for them as a couple involving discipleship and Christian world-view stuff. They are pretty smart. :) Anyways - it was an amazing weekend of laughter and tears. When the dress came on and the hair was done we looked at each other and both started crying. So many amazing emotions...

During rehearsal I fell twice walking to the gazebo scaring my partner (Pjs brother, David) mildly thinking what could happen during the real thing.







When we were lining up to walk down the aisle for the real thing, David asked me if I had the ring. I didn't even respond but bolted back into the mansion on the second floor where I had stuffed the ring in my duffel bag earlier.. threw everything out of my bag and frantically dug through everything before I found the ring and flew down the flight of stairs just in time to walk down the aisle. Just call me super woman!

no worries.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciYk-UwqFKA

We watched this movie this summer in China with all the kids. It was a humbling experience because many of them have challenges in their lives be it physical, or the challenge of having no family to love them or both. It put things into perspective.

1 Peter 3:14
But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled...

One day we were talking about forgiveness after with our family groups and my little Gracie told me she wanted to forgive her uncle. Her uncle believes in a different form of Taoism I believe (if the translation is correct) and when her dad was really sick he wanted to bring him to his temple to have "treatments" done to him. It was shortly after he brought him there that her dad died. I don't know if what they did to her dad at that temple ultimately caused his death - but in Gracie's heart that was the cause and for her to want to forgive her uncle was incredible. She prayed for him and forgave him. That little girl teaches me sooo much.

experiencing grace.

I am in such a different season of life right now but lately processing everything its kind of boiling down to feeling SO incredibly thankful, more than I ever have been before for God's grace.

Life is so incredibly difficult and there is so much broken-ness. I have been seeing the messy sides of life lately.

Thank you, Jesus for your grace with us! Thank you for the incredible beauty and hope you give to us each day. Only through You, Jesus! I love you!

heart elsewhere.

and somedays the littlest things hit you and reminds you that you left your heart in china...

country side of me....

Well, when your sister is marrying a farmer it tends to bring out the "barefoot, bluejean kind of night" in you. If I thought of her or I marrying a farmer when we were younger, I would have always thought I would be the one rather than her. (She's a lot better in the kitchen etc. than I am!)

Here is my sister future farmers-wife making ridiculous amounts of jam the past two weeks. She is a trooper!



Isn't she a doll? She's gonna be the best farmer's wife ever!

My country side has been coming out however - check out this video me and the future farmer's wife, my future farmer brother in law and long time adopted brother Cole made as a joke for our awesome friends, the Duffys! :)



And this friends, is the first time I drove a tractor. I fell in love I have to admit.. the farmall is my new favorite toy. After driving this red beauty around for one day - two months later the future brother in law decides to sign me up for the Clarksville Tractor Games...

umm??? Sooo.. hesitantly but because it's me and I'm always down for a good time and trying anything new/making and idiot out of myself I agreed.



After dragging a chain behind my lovely Farmall and maneuvering the tractor back and forth to get the chain inside a metal box, I completed game #1 fastest in the women's division, {a minute and 30 seconds!}, pretty good considering I was competing against a pink tractor mama who had her own custom PINK Farmall tractor and matching pink shirt. Oh boy.. :) Game #2 had me backing my tractor until the hitch on the back bumped an egg but not crack it. Guess who completed that one fastest in the womens division? If you guess the never to be farmer's wife, aka me you also guessed correctly! The future brother in law farmer also happened to win this game for the mens division! What winners we are!



So I guess the country in me is coming out a bit, and I'm completely ok with it - as long as I'm not in a kitchen doing farmer's wife sorts of things that I'm terrible at! But give me a Farmall baby and I'm feeling good!

love-starvation

It's 5 am (oh jet-lag baby!) and I'm freshly back from China with a heart that is full of the stories of my time there and His precious children and a fire in my spirit that makes me come alive. All at the same time there is a feeling of emptiness - of loss. A feeling of leaving my heart behind there, in China.

I remember that happening last year. Of certain things being painful when I came home. Looking at pictures, certain triggering of the senses reminding me of something that happened in China, all usually causing the same effect - tears or laughter.

So - the life we live, serving and following Him - joy and pain. Tears and laughter. Joy IN pain, laughter through the tears.

The precious little ones in China have gone through so much - yet they can smile and laugh and are filled with joy in the simple things. Ice cream for the first time, McDonalds (we ate there about once a day the first week of Continue Home, kids choice!) ;), coloring or doing simple crafts of things most people in America would throw away as junk.

Yet there is this physical hunger and need for touch. Their need for hugs and kisses, sitting on a lap and holding hands is desperate! Sure they love the fun things we do, swimming, scavenger hunts, assemblies but I think what they love most is simply being physically loved.

Walking along a China street and feeling that little hand in mine. Little hungry-hearts, dying of love starvation. Someone to tuck them in, to give them kisses, to hug them when they fall down and kiss their boo-boos. To tickle them until they squeel.

I know not everyone is called to China but where are your little Gracie's and Hannah's who need love? So many kids are dying for love all over the world. Where is your heart and how are you helping fill the love-starvation so many children are dying of?

My heart is left in China - and every summer I will go back. Maybe someday I can move there forever and be a mother to all the China babies who need so much love that God has put in my heart to give them and teach them about "A Father to Fatherless..."

^ new blog title ^

lately I have been thinking on joy. mainly this verse:

Psalm 16:11
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.


i find happy-ness in so many things. things that aren't bad but not always true joy. i have been thinking about being filled with JOY in Jesus' presence. it truly is beyond happiness to just spend time at his feet being "still" before Him and being in the "secret place" where He can tell me He loves me. He created me. and out of this love is the only place where true joy comes from. joy that overflows from the heart into others' lives.

"turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."

Jesus let the things of earth fade in the simple thought of YOU. i desire to love you more than anything else.