Beholding

Today as I was reading in Matthew, I got to the story about Peter walking on the water. It challenged my heart so much today for some reason. I feel so often that I come to God not entirely surrendered. Like, I will read Scriptures and be excited about what I am learning and can talk about spiritual things, but when it comes down to it and praying and talking to God I think sometimes it's really easy to talk to God but not listen. Why is that? God has always proven Himself faithful and being in that place of entire surrender is the most freeing, beautiful feeling of all. To be at peace with the Lord. If I was entirely surrendered, what would God do with this heart of mine? I like to cling on to little things that aren't important. Does it hurt God when He sees all that could be happening in my heart but when I don't take the time to really listen and surrender? Lord, that I would long to always have that intimacy with You!

I was introduced to the song "Captivated" by Vicky Beeching this week because we are using it for our last dance piece at the Turning Pointe recital and I have listened to it almost constantly since then. It's so beautiful. There is a line in it that says, "Beholding, I'm becoming" and that is so incredible. "What is beholding?" It really made me think - beholding the Lord. I guess I kind of think about it as looking at something, but deeper. Like the eyes of our heart just viewing the Lord and taking in His beauty and wonder and depth. Beholding. I like this concept alot.

On Saturday it reached almost 50 degrees here and was sunny so I went on a walk with my lovely journal to the park and it was so incredible to be outdoors in the sunshine with only a fleece! I enjoyed it so much...

Ramblings

As I have been sick (feeling alot better but still in the hardcore kleenex using stage haha!) I have alot of time to read/think/journal and process those thoughts that keep bugging you and you always send 'em to the back of your brain to think about "later" but in reality later doesn't usually come til you get sick or something.

Saturday night when I was feeling my worst I turned on some music and a song came on when I was drifting in and out of sleep that I haven't heard in a long time. It's called, "Remember Surrender" by Sara Groves. You know, I don't know why but whenever I'm at such a low point God always works so powerfully - once again that happened. As I was laying there miserable I realized how many things I was holding on to in Sarah Grace world. Things that I thought I had surrendered and that weren't a "big deal" but I realized how much I was holding on to those things. I felt like God was asking me, "Do you REALLY trust me on this?" I was like, "well yes I trust You!" But then I thought about how I always will pray about things and lay them over into God's hands and yet I still cling onto them. So I was asking God about this and why if I surrender them do I still keep thinking about them. Well, God answered me in a funny way but basically He was like, "well I didn't tell you to give up your brains when you surrender." I smiled. I do know this and so I think the difference is that we do have brains and we will think about big things coming up or whatever, it's not that we don't think about them but just if we can trust and lay them down.

I guess more than anything during this here little sickness I've been reminded of a deep desire and passion to follow God so closely and to not care what the world thinks - or be hindered any longer by sin. I think God wants us to continue pursuing Him with our everything. Also I've been brought back to this quote alot:

"Satan's biggest trick is to try to get you to do good things God has not called you to do."
John DeVries