butterflies free to fly

You are a story. I am a story.

2012-02-14T21:21:00.004-06:00

I loved this book when I was little.
What an amazing story of a little girl who knew she was a princess.
{whose name happened to be Sarah, just like me. I also knew I was a princess.}

She was strong and thought of life as a battle and a complete joy.
{I think of life that way too.}

She had a heart for the "outcast" person and had a way of making them feel loved.

When her world turned up-side down she stayed strong.

“Whatever comes," she said, "cannot alter one thing. If I am a princess in rags and tatters, I can be a princess inside. It would be easy to be a princess if I were dressed in cloth of gold, but it is a great deal more of a triumph to be one all the time when no one knows it.” ~Francis Hodgson Burnett

For Valentine's Day, Mom, Sister and I went to see a production of "The Little Princess" and it touched me so much. It reminded me of how much I loved that book and reminded me how much a good story can impact your life.

"You are a story, I am a story."

Was a line in the show...

How all of our lives are stories and none being insignificant in God's big story. The Bible is one big story, and Jesus used stories to teach. Stories are so powerful because we all have a story and relate in some way to another person's story.

And when a wonderful story is portrayed through theater, dancing and music how it touches you in such a deep place. I love being involved in theater, dance and music for that reason. It has such a capacity to impact someone's life. I know mine was impacted by the show last weekend. I was reminded that my life IS a story and is not insignificant no matter how small you can feel.

“There's nothing so strong as rage, except what makes you hold it in--that's stronger. It's a good thing not to answer your enemies.” ~Francis Hodgson Burnett

Never stop reading the good classic stories. They have so much to offer!

You are a story.

I am a story.

{PS! I have some fun Valentiney sorts of pictures and stories to post soon too when I have time!}

heartstuff

2012-01-24T22:29:00.007-06:00

"in these bodies we will live
in these bodies we will die
where you invest your love
you invest your life."
~mumford&sons~

aren't they precious? i love teaching dance.

i have been reading through isaiah lately.
mmmm... soo. good. so. goood!

[isaiah54:13]
no weapon formed against you will prevail
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you
this is the heritage of the servants of the Lord

[isaiah 55:9]
as the heavens are higher than the earth
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

amen and thank you, Jesus!

"you are the blood over the door of my heart
what pain you spared me from, how could i know it all"
[bethanydillon]

i love the imagery in that song ^^
like in the passover in the book of exodus, the lamb's blood over the israelites door caused the spirit of death to literally pass over their houses and spare their first born sons from death. and Jesus [the Lamb of God]'s blood over the "door of my heart" causes so much to passover and save me from eternal death. Jesus, thank you for being my precious lamb.

another thought on that is the fact that Jesus blood is over the door of my heart and everything that passes through that door directly affects Him.

feeding the flesh causes it to thrive.
feeding the spirit causes it to thrive.

it's easy to feed the flesh. but it constantly wants more and leaves you feeling empty.
it's harder sometimes to "feed" the spirit but it leaves you feeling full to bursting with joy and peace. spending time with Jesus always leaves me bursting and longing to never have to be distracted again from just being in His presence. when i get to go home and be with Him forever. this is not our home.

"Awake my soul, awake my soul
for you were made to meet your Maker"
[mumford&sons]

twentyeleven

2012-01-15T23:14:00.003-06:00

twentyeleven in review
{in no particular order}

1. got my nose pierced
2. learned to drive a manual
3. lost my youth pastor and his baby son in a house fire
4. experience the body of Christ grieve and worship, losing derek and dylan {community}
5. be blessed beyond words to see God restore relationships and heal
6. traveled to China again
7. watch someone I led to the Lord lead someone else to the Lord
8. travel to iowa and california
9. be a maid of honor twice {in a month!}
10. won a tractor competition after driving a tractor once in my life
11. cried more than ever before
12. also laughed more than ever before {if possible}
13. trusted God in a deeper way than ever before
14. bought a special pair of pants and formed a sisterhood around them
15. watched the northern lights with my mom
16. slept in a tree house
17. went to narnia for the third time experienced being a lion {hair still recovering}
18. did handstands in an elevator
19. saw shooting stars in china, michigan and california
20. made a country music video
21. saw sara watkins perform with the decemberists
22. traveled to tennessee with my mom twice for weddings
23. turned quarter of a century old. :)

what a year.
i love Jesus sooo much.
bring it 2012!! :)

Isaiah 43:18-19
Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past, see I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?
See I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

happyheart!

2012-01-09T18:19:00.014-06:00

I loved my trip to California! Couldn't have been more perfect...

The BMH retreat was refreshing to soul, filled with laughter and conversations, hiking and stargazing, dancing and welcoming in the new year with a Bonfire, poppers, worship and prayer and hugs! Love my BMH family, what a blessing to be a part!

Getting some quality Bochic Sisterhood time for the week following was incredible!

These sisters encourage my heart, challenge, inspire, love and lift me straight up to Jesus! <3

Heart full....

2011-12-17T21:29:00.003-06:00

I love my family.

I love my new brother. God has used him to bless me in many many ways. I'm so thankful for His and my sister's relationship and marriage. It is such a beautiful picture to me with their hearts for the Lord and to love and serve others... Tom and his tender heart and his quickness to ask forgiveness or to be sensitive in any given situation. He is a man of God and I'm so thankful for who he is in my sister's life and in our whole family.

"Learn much of the Lord Jesus. For every look at yourself, take ten looks at Christ. He is altogether lovely." - Robert Murray McCheyne

I read that ^^ quote earlier today and it really blessed me. Last week at dance my oldest group of girls and I were reading out a book called "The Vision and the Vow" and in that particular chapter it talked about stopping whatever you are doing and just taking time to be honest before the Lord and to truly answer the question do you Love Him most.

Honestly there are times I don't love Him most. I get distracted. I go to other things before I go to Him in the morning. I think of what I need to do, sleep in, get distracted by Emails.

All Jesus asks for is my heart.

Yet my heart is everything.

Jesus lives in my heart.

It was a good conversation about honestly coming before Jesus asking and begging Him to help us love Him first. Every day saying Jesus, help me love you first. And coming back to receiving His love. He has SO much He wants to share - there is never a time I have regretted being still before Him and coming to Him honestly. I regret many other ways I spend my time but never do I regret a moment in my Savior's presence.

There are days when I'm tired. So many people I love and care about are hurting. My heart hurts with them. Jesus how often you must hear and carry our broken hearts. So much sin, your creation groans. And we ask "How long, O Lord?"

And it also raises a battle cry within my heart... to not give up the fight. Life is not a game it's a war. And we are soldier's of the cross of Christ. He is carrying us and holding us up in the throne room - we can depend on Him to. He promises in His word.

We are not guaranteed tomorrow, only the present moment.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." (Hebrews 12:2)

I am officially headed back to China this summer as well... I will be back in the city of Kunming serving with Bring Me Hope camps under the Hedden's Family. This is the same city my two sister's live in, Cookie and Gracie so I am beyond thrilled to be spending a more extended time there. Please be praying for me and funding for this. Helping me to be wise and to come up with creative ways as well to raise funds. There are some people from Grand Rapids/Lansing area hoping to come volunteer as well depending on whether or not funds can be raised.

I was on a prayer/conference call the other night for the new movie that Bring Me Hope is putting out to raise awareness for orphans in China. God has already provided a huge amount of funding for this project but there is still a huge amount more needing to be funded. As I was praying I couldn't help but think, "Money to God is nothing... His storehouses are endless and money is not a heavenly kingdom thing, it's an earthly thing and God will always provide what we NEED!" It was a bit of a revelation thinking of money in that way.

Jesus, in all these things, with a full heart, let us fix our eyes on YOU!

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace"

Amen and amen!

P.S! I want to live outside right now in New Zeeland or Fiji and hike in mountains and sleep in hammocks under the stars and swim under water falls and go cliff jumping and surfing! also this blog post turned into something a lot longer than I anticipated.

receiving.

2011-12-11T00:13:00.015-06:00

i love dressing up.

this girl here (Christiana) has been one of those friends that comes into your life and just sticks.

we laugh so hard we pee.
we can talk about everything. and i mean everything.

today we went goodwill and salvation army shopping and got these matching sweater vests.

we shared some good old french press coffee.
potato soup and potatoes.

more than that we shared the kind of conversation that blesses you in the deepest parts of your heart.

she reminded me of something that should be something i think about daily. but it's also easy to forget.

[Jesus] does not see us as our sins deserve. He sees us in light of what He suffered on the cross. Cleansed before Him by His blood. He doesn't see us as we deserve.

sitting in a room filled with all sorts of different people singing a song about forgiveness...

"wade in the water... of forgiveness."

my friend kelsey played at folk night and she has such a way with writing music that is honest and filled with amazing lyrics.

she talked about receiving forgiveness and offering forgiveness and how they correlate.

that's something i've been thinking about - receiving something is humbling because it means you recognize your need for something.

receiving Jesus' forgiveness and love is humbling because it means confession. it means recognizing a deep need.

and receiving the fact that we do not need to live in guilt because He doesn't see us as guilty.
letting go of yourself. [yourguilt]

and seeing your great need.
receiving Jesus for everything He is. including the way He washes us clean. and purifies us and sees us as pure and clean.

"no guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of [Christ] in me."

Because their stories need to be told... HoungHoung

2011-11-26T20:45:00.007-06:00

Let me introduce you to a little girl named, Houng Houng. This past summer I got to know this little girl when we moved from being at Continue Home in Yantai to regular camp. I didn't get to interact with her much because she wasn't my assigned buddy at camp but everytime we saw each other we would hug! I wish I knew more of her story but I remember when she had to leave....

Most of the kids start acting a little different the last few days of camp whether they cry more or get upset more easily - it's that deep pain of having to go back to their orphanages or difficult living situations. Breaks my heart! It made me sad to see her struggling the last day of camp and wondering what she had to go back to. All I know is that I loved her so much and she needed as many hugs and kisses as anybody could give her!

sisterlove!

2011-11-01T21:27:00.005-05:00

I adore my big sister.

She is getting married in 18 days and it's so weird thinking about! I am so super excited for her and seeing God's plan in her life unfolding into a new season...

{And even though I know she isn't moving across the world, I will still miss her!}

I have been thinking about how much she has impacted my life. I think she has given me freedom to be so free in who I am and willing to try doing anything! Even when I was really little, I remember her always welcoming me in.

She did it tonight too in a coffee shop, while she was talking to someone and I wasn't sure wether or not to join she held out her hand to me, and that is what she has done her whole life. Even if she was playing with her 'cool' older friends she ALWAYS let me join in...

I think she has given me a lot of the confidence I have today to try things, because she always welcomed me in to try anything that "the big kids were doing."

She is amazing.

I love you sister!!!

"Season of the Fall" {continued from the bike post}

2011-10-22T17:43:00.006-05:00

"Season of the Fall"

10/21/2011

How many times I've said, "Lord take away me"
The deepest parts of my heart
that I've put {my} seal upon
The beautiful parts You created but when I seal away
How dark they become without Your light

There are parts I like to hold
{I think they are mine}
But what have I, whom have I in heaven
But You alone, Lord

The parts of my heart I may be choking growth
Or the dead parts that need to fall away
Making room for new growth, parts that are meant to flourish

And the falling away of death
Parts that have died, parts of ourselves
Of course death is painful, it's not natural
But how can I fully live, if the pieces of me that have died
Are choking the places meant to be alive

Sometimes I want to be still, to hear the dead pieces fall away
to sit in the dead leaf pile
To rake them all up in a pile and dive in
To dive into the once comfortable places
I need time to realize what has died
to take time to cry over my lost parts
Sometimes it's good to dive into what has died

But in those moments when I want to cling to death
Lord, deliver me from that valley
And I feel Your hand, your life giving touch
Reminds me that three days in the grave were more than enough

You have taken all those leaves in my dead pile
Those things forever gone, You took them all
So I can live

Oh what grace to let me live,
To touch me, no hold my heart
You understand like no one else
The process of death and life
And You carry me through

You not only carry away my death, You breathe life
and freedom
{Joy alone in Your presence}
You heal my deepest places, You understand
You love me in my season of the fall

Because their stories need to be told... Isaac.

2011-10-18T19:16:00.005-05:00

This sweet little guy is Isaac.

I have so many amazing stories about the sweet children in China that I'm going to do a series on my blog high-lighting some of them over this next year called, "Because their stories need to be told..."

Isaac came to camp in Kunming in 2010 when I was there. These pictures of Isaac and me were at the end of a week at camp. He is such a precious little guy - in fact we usually referred to him as Sweet Isaac.

At the orphanage where Isaac lives, they chain him to his chair because he is a "runner." He has a tendency to run away. This sounds horrible and it is but they are actually doing it to try and protect him because they don't want him to run away.

Isaac is mentally disabled and at the orphanage they don't have the abilities to give him the attention and love that he needs so they chain him so he doesn't run away. He came to us with scratches and cuts on himself because he doesn't have anything to do he usually would sit there and hurt himself. Writing these things and remembering it all makes me cry.

When he came to camp he could hardly sit still for more than two seconds before darting around or trying to run. But after getting used to his foreign volunteer (my sweet friend, Kelly!) he started calming down.

It really was amazing what a week in a loving environment did. He was so much more calm and able to sit still and he was so loving. He hugged all the time and just craved that attention. We tried to get foster care for him in China as that would have been a better situation than sending him back to the orphanage but it fell through.

Isaac is so incredibly precious.
And there are so many more "Isaac's" out there.
I miss him.
And I pray for him and...
Someday I wish I could take him home.

bikes and God hugs.

2011-10-12T22:38:00.002-05:00

Tonight I went for a bike ride and there were little kids and their parents playing in the leaves. And the air had that tiny bit of fall nippy-ness...

And leaves were falling.

And I asked God to take me through a season of fall, letting old leaves fall off... they might look pretty and colorful but they are dead.

And then I rode my bike letting go of my handlebars.

And it was scary.
{Last time I did that I hit a bump and flew over my handle bars and it hurt}

But I let go and this time I didn't fall and it didn't hurt and I think that was significant for the season I am in right now. It was God speaking to me in away I understand.
Letting go can be scary - but when you let go you find so much freedom.

Mr. and Mrs. Collins

2011-10-09T20:13:00.011-05:00

This girl right here is a sister and one of my favorite partners in crime, laughing (hysterically) buddies, my sister who I can absolutely and freely share my heart with and who encourages me so much. Someone I can be real with and who I know is always cheering me on to be my best. She is known to me as Squishy and I am her Pip and she is just one of the most amazing people you will ever meet.

She got married this weekend to the amazing Pj (who I unfortunately don't have any pictures of!) and I am sooo excited for them. I really believe God has some awesome things in store for them as a couple involving discipleship and Christian world-view stuff. They are pretty smart. :) Anyways - it was an amazing weekend of laughter and tears. When the dress came on and the hair was done we looked at each other and both started crying. So many amazing emotions...

During rehearsal I fell twice walking to the gazebo scaring my partner (Pjs brother, David) mildly thinking what could happen during the real thing.

When we were lining up to walk down the aisle for the real thing, David asked me if I had the ring. I didn't even respond but bolted back into the mansion on the second floor where I had stuffed the ring in my duffel bag earlier.. threw everything out of my bag and frantically dug through everything before I found the ring and flew down the flight of stairs just in time to walk down the aisle. Just call me super woman!

no worries.

2011-09-25T21:52:00.006-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciYk-UwqFKA

We watched this movie this summer in China with all the kids. It was a humbling experience because many of them have challenges in their lives be it physical, or the challenge of having no family to love them or both. It put things into perspective.

1 Peter 3:14
But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled...

One day we were talking about forgiveness after with our family groups and my little Gracie told me she wanted to forgive her uncle. Her uncle believes in a different form of Taoism I believe (if the translation is correct) and when her dad was really sick he wanted to bring him to his temple to have "treatments" done to him. It was shortly after he brought him there that her dad died. I don't know if what they did to her dad at that temple ultimately caused his death - but in Gracie's heart that was the cause and for her to want to forgive her uncle was incredible. She prayed for him and forgave him. That little girl teaches me sooo much.

experiencing grace.

2011-09-21T22:59:00.007-05:00

I am in such a different season of life right now but lately processing everything its kind of boiling down to feeling SO incredibly thankful, more than I ever have been before for God's grace.

Life is so incredibly difficult and there is so much broken-ness. I have been seeing the messy sides of life lately.

Thank you, Jesus for your grace with us! Thank you for the incredible beauty and hope you give to us each day. Only through You, Jesus! I love you!

heart elsewhere.

2011-09-03T13:49:00.004-05:00

and somedays the littlest things hit you and reminds you that you left your heart in china...

country side of me....

2011-08-31T19:00:00.010-05:00

Well, when your sister is marrying a farmer it tends to bring out the "barefoot, bluejean kind of night" in you. If I thought of her or I marrying a farmer when we were younger, I would have always thought I would be the one rather than her. (She's a lot better in the kitchen etc. than I am!)

Here is my sister future farmers-wife making ridiculous amounts of jam the past two weeks. She is a trooper!

Isn't she a doll? She's gonna be the best farmer's wife ever!

My country side has been coming out however - check out this video me and the future farmer's wife, my future farmer brother in law and long time adopted brother Cole made as a joke for our awesome friends, the Duffys! :)

And this friends, is the first time I drove a tractor. I fell in love I have to admit.. the farmall is my new favorite toy. After driving this red beauty around for one day - two months later the future brother in law decides to sign me up for the Clarksville Tractor Games...

umm??? Sooo.. hesitantly but because it's me and I'm always down for a good time and trying anything new/making and idiot out of myself I agreed.

After dragging a chain behind my lovely Farmall and maneuvering the tractor back and forth to get the chain inside a metal box, I completed game #1 fastest in the women's division, {a minute and 30 seconds!}, pretty good considering I was competing against a pink tractor mama who had her own custom PINK Farmall tractor and matching pink shirt. Oh boy.. :) Game #2 had me backing my tractor until the hitch on the back bumped an egg but not crack it. Guess who completed that one fastest in the womens division? If you guess the never to be farmer's wife, aka me you also guessed correctly! The future brother in law farmer also happened to win this game for the mens division! What winners we are!

So I guess the country in me is coming out a bit, and I'm completely ok with it - as long as I'm not in a kitchen doing farmer's wife sorts of things that I'm terrible at! But give me a Farmall baby and I'm feeling good!

love-starvation

2011-08-10T03:57:00.005-05:00

It's 5 am (oh jet-lag baby!) and I'm freshly back from China with a heart that is full of the stories of my time there and His precious children and a fire in my spirit that makes me come alive. All at the same time there is a feeling of emptiness - of loss. A feeling of leaving my heart behind there, in China.

I remember that happening last year. Of certain things being painful when I came home. Looking at pictures, certain triggering of the senses reminding me of something that happened in China, all usually causing the same effect - tears or laughter.

So - the life we live, serving and following Him - joy and pain. Tears and laughter. Joy IN pain, laughter through the tears.

The precious little ones in China have gone through so much - yet they can smile and laugh and are filled with joy in the simple things. Ice cream for the first time, McDonalds (we ate there about once a day the first week of Continue Home, kids choice!) ;), coloring or doing simple crafts of things most people in America would throw away as junk.

Yet there is this physical hunger and need for touch. Their need for hugs and kisses, sitting on a lap and holding hands is desperate! Sure they love the fun things we do, swimming, scavenger hunts, assemblies but I think what they love most is simply being physically loved.

Walking along a China street and feeling that little hand in mine. Little hungry-hearts, dying of love starvation. Someone to tuck them in, to give them kisses, to hug them when they fall down and kiss their boo-boos. To tickle them until they squeel.

I know not everyone is called to China but where are your little Gracie's and Hannah's who need love? So many kids are dying for love all over the world. Where is your heart and how are you helping fill the love-starvation so many children are dying of?

My heart is left in China - and every summer I will go back. Maybe someday I can move there forever and be a mother to all the China babies who need so much love that God has put in my heart to give them and teach them about "A Father to Fatherless..."

^ new blog title ^

2011-01-07T21:19:00.002-06:00

lately I have been thinking on joy. mainly this verse:

Psalm 16:11
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

i find happy-ness in so many things. things that aren't bad but not always true joy. i have been thinking about being filled with JOY in Jesus' presence. it truly is beyond happiness to just spend time at his feet being "still" before Him and being in the "secret place" where He can tell me He loves me. He created me. and out of this love is the only place where true joy comes from. joy that overflows from the heart into others' lives.

"turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."

Jesus let the things of earth fade in the simple thought of YOU. i desire to love you more than anything else.

Jesus' gifts

2010-12-03T10:30:00.002-06:00

More Than A Miracle from Day of Discovery on Vimeo.

What I kept thinking about was how often do I just want "gifts" from Jesus and ask Him for things instead of seeking Him for exactly who He is, suffering, joy, healer, freedom-giver... when You seek Him with all of your heart, He will be found in the fullness of who He is!

in the winter, fire is beautiful

2010-12-01T20:43:00.003-06:00

~i woke up to snow on the ground and it is beautiful! it hasn't stopped snowing all day.

~ i am teaching 93 ballet students this year spread through 14 classes a week! my babies say the funniest things and my older girls bless and challenge my heart with their love for the Lord at such a young age and their prayers and hearts to serve Him. beautiful.

~ i am teaching a deaf girl this year and that has been the most wonderful experience. she is so cute and it's so fun seeing her finding friends among the other girls there and having a place she feels she belongs. i am learning a little sign language and it's been really cool!

baby ballerina quotes:

natalie: "miss sarah grace i want to have all the colors of the rainbow"
me: "how many colors is that?"
natalie: "TWENTY!"

while trying to do sit ups..
isabella: "miss sarah grace i keep trying to sit up but my back pulls me right back down again!"

~ i am so thankful for my wonderful family... we had a really great thanksgiving holiday weekend together and i'm looking forward to the Christmas season...

~ 22 days til my birthday... i'm going to be 24 and that seems REALLY old for some reason.

~ next weekend i get to sing the most gorgeous christmas music with my sister for our old choir conductors christmas concert in chicago with the youth choral theatre of chicago - i am beyond excited and cannot wait to sing beautiful music again! :)

~i think that's everything for now.. hopefully it will be a shorter time between this and my next blog posting...

when Gracie left...

2010-10-06T22:01:00.004-05:00

I am reminded of that day this summer in China when Gracie left.

Gracie was my buddy on week 2 of my time in China. She was the little girl that stole me and my translator, Cookie's hearts. She was the little girl that held us and sobbed with us about all the abuse that she has suffered as an 11 year old, showing us her scars. She was the little girl that danced with me every second we had free. She was the little girl who learned how to say "you are beautiful" so every single morning when we walked to breakfast she could take my face in both of her hands, look me in the eyes and say "you are beautiful." She was the little girl that walking in a crowd and feeling a little hand in mine, I would instantly know it was her.

Waking up Friday morning, goodbye day I always got that pit in the bottom of my stomach knowing the kids would be leaving. There would be this incredible ache. That Friday I hated getting up. I knew it was goodbye and the goodbye party which to me that day felt like a funeral in some ways. Reading the letters we had written for each other - how do you sum up in a single letter how incredibly beautiful and cherished and what this little girl means to you. Can you take enough pictures to capture your love for a lifetime with someone you will never see again on this side.

But I remember having this beautiful conversation with my sweet Gracie (with the WONDERFUL help of my amazing translator Cookie) and hearing God so clearly saying, "She is mine..." I can see the fingerprints of God on that little girl. I trust that God is going to do a great work in Gracie's heart and that He will fulfill what H

e has started in her. I pray for Gracie. She is beautiful and precious, and she is His.

I remember the heartbreak of getting on to the van to take her back to her school. I have never experienced that before but would go through it countless times again if God wants. Her clinging to me sobbing saying "I love you, Wo ai ni" over and over... Sobbing. Shaking. Holding hands to the end not wanting to let go... when that bus pulled away and having to sing "Beautiful day..." it truly was a beautiful day but it didn't feel like that at the time.

Right after Gracie left, hearing the news that Baby Brynn was being taken away and placed in another family (the Hedden's baby girl who were in charge of our Kunming camps) and knowing that she was being taken away. A fight we had all battled for in prayer and broken-ness and heart-felt crys to Jesus to not let this happen.

It left you so full of despair and broken-ness I had not yet felt to that depth. The type of broken-ness that leads you to almost scream at the Lord... "WHY!" I have never felt that before... I wept and cried and could barely talk to Jesus because of the intensity of the broken-ness but knowing He alone could handle this.. and knowing He was handling the whole world's broken-ness not just what we were feeling in Kunming at that moment - is mind-blowing.

I told the Lord I wanted that month in July to be for Him and to teach me what it means to love more than I currently was capable of understanding love in my current place and He sent me to China - the place where the children have been on my heart since I was about 7 years old... And oh did He teach me about love. He taught me that true-love is heart breaking. And how MUCH his heart constantly breaks over us, His children. If my heart could break so much over one little girl, Gracie yet How He Loves us and how much deeper He loves us than we could ever even start to feel, how heart-breaking and wonderful and beautiful.

I did not want to let Gracie go - it broke my heart. It breaks my heart to this day - I think about her everyday. God thank you for teaching me more about love, for breaking my heart. True love - like how Jesus loves us - sacrificial love. On the day that Gracie left...

lovveee

2010-09-18T12:15:00.002-05:00

i looove them.
Libby Rose
Christina Marie

i am changed

2010-09-12T10:39:00.003-05:00

i left part of my heart behind in china. and i'm so glad i went!

my heart was broken and healed. and filled with more love.

i miss this little boy isaac. i miss gracie and cookie and all the wonderful people there.

my heart was changed. forever.

china... let's go baby!

2010-06-16T00:40:00.004-05:00

I am... going to CHINA!

This has been my dream forever! I have always wanted to go because I absolutely love the children there. I remember reading stories about Gladys Aylward as a little girl and wanting to go and rescue the children.. to hug them and hold them close.

maybe it was how they used to bind the little girls feet that struck me so deeply. if you can't walk from pain how can you dance? i love dancing it's one of my favorite things.

maybe it's because I love all children.

maybe it's because God has simply put my little China babies on my heart to use me to be His hands and feet... or maybe it's because God wants to use them to break my heart and teach me more than i ever have understood about love and how much He loves me.

i still don't understand that and never will. i hope i always learn more about how much God loves me personally so I can share that with everyone...

what if you had no one in your life to give you a hug when something was wrong. to smile at you. if you had no hope...

i cannot wait... my biggest dream coming true and i didn't even have a clue until Friday. God is showing me His deep love for me by letting one of my biggest dreams I have ever had come true... getting to hold His children in China.. i think He let me only have less than a month of anticipation otherwise i would have exploded out of excitement..

Walter Wilson Quote

2010-05-11T09:37:00.004-05:00

"My Lord, I have mis-treated You all my life. I have treated you like a servant. When I wanted you I called for you; when I was about to engage in something important I beckoned you to come help me perform my task. I have sought use You only as a servant to help me in my self-appointed work. I will do so no more.

Lord, I give you this body of mine, from my head to my feet, I give it to you. My hands, my limbs, my eyes, my brain; all that I am inside and out, I hand over to You. Live in and through me whatever life You please. You may send this body to Africa or lay it on a bed with cancer. You may blind my eyes or send me with Your message to Tibet. You may take this body to the Eskimos, or send it to a hospital with pneumonia. This body of mine is Yours alone from this moment on."

~Walter Wilson~

I am. I am God's.

2010-03-30T10:06:00.003-05:00

God doesn't explain himself. He explains Himself as "I Am."

Wouldn't it be cool if we could all just explain ourselves as, "I am God's." I think we all have this built-in thing to have to be something. When someone asks about your life you want to be understood and try to explain the important events in your life.

I have been meeting some of Austin's friends and it's interesting to me what I feel the need to tell them about myself. I want them to think I am good enough for Austin. (Which is kind of a joke, I mean nobody is good enough for Austin - he's so precious!) But really if we are in the mindset of God being "I am" and "I am God's" everything else falls into place. Because God knows what we need and it isn't about measuring up. I always end up feeling prideful having to talk about myself. I want my life to bring God glory only and just simply be "God's." Not anything else. I am nothing. Yet "I am God's."

yes and no.

2010-03-12T09:22:00.001-06:00

"if you say yes to something you say no to something else."

are you saying yes to the right things?? or are you saying yes to things that will make you say no to the things you should have said yes to?

it's been raining the past 2 days and i love it! :)

1 Kings 19

2010-03-10T09:32:00.003-06:00

I was reading in 1 Kings the other day (chpt. 18). Alot of us don't realize what that kind of ministry can do to a person. How did Elijah feel? Putting everything, everything on the line for God. Being alone (in the human sense) in that kind of ministry - he was standing for truth against 450 of Baals prophets but God was with him and is true and alive.

In the next chapter though it kind of expounds on Elijah and how he dealt with this... The queen wanted to kill him for ripping apart her idol.. (I think we all feel similar when we are exposed for having a modern day idol in our life...)

1 Kings 19:3-8
Then he was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there. But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, "It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers." And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, "Arise and eat." And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of the LORD came again a second time and touched him and said, "Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you." And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.

Elijah wanted to die and asked the Lord to take him but then the Lord provided for him in such powerful ways... When we are doing ministry in such intense ways sometimes your spirit just longs to rest and be with the Lord and be home, for we have no home here on earth, just reflections of our true home in heaven. Elijah longed for that....

Then it gets even cooler... the food that the Lord provided him lasted him 40 days. (Sounds like when Jesus fasted 40 days in the wilderness...) then God asked him even more to go out and stand on a mountain so he could stand in the presence of the Lord....

1 Kings 19:11-18
And he said, "Go out and stand on the mount before the LORD." And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" He said,"I have been very jealous for the LORD, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away." And the LORD said to him, "Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus. And when you arrive, you shall anoint Hazael to be king over Syria. And Jehu the son of Nimshi you shall anoint to be king over Israel, and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abel-meholah you shall anoint to be prophet in your place. And the one who escapes from the sword of Hazael shall Jehu put to death, and the one who escapes from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha put to death. Yet I will leave seven thousand in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal, and every mouth that has not kissed him."

Elijah withstood a great wind, an earthquake and a fire before finally a gentle breeze brought God's presence. Do you feel sometimes that you are experiencing being hit by a strong wind, an earthquake, and fire.... Blowing everything you know away, shaking everything in your core and then burning it all up? Stay strong and keep your spirit listening for that is when God came, after all those things to speak to Elijah. God has not forgotten you. Even through the hurricanes, earthquakes and fires - He is there. When you feel you want to go home, He is there. And He will never put us through anything He will not give us the strength to give Him the glory for!!!!

To God be the glory forever and ever!

Joshua 21:45
Not one of all the Lord's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was ful-filled.

Wind

2010-02-22T19:30:00.000-06:00

God is just like the wind... invisible to the human eye but oh do we feel Him - sometimes a little rustling or other times like a storm. It's hard to feel the little rustling unless you're very still though.. God is teaching me about being very still right now. I want to feel the tiniest rustles - not just the storms.

Rice. burnt rice.

2010-02-05T07:49:00.004-06:00

i haven't shared this story on the blog yet - so I wanted to document it for all to hear. ((read))

i'm not known for my cooking. i can get by but that's about it. the other day however i purchased some really awesome healthy brown rice and was really excited about making it for my dinner. so having never made rice before i was completely guessing. after putting it on the stove i had no idea how FAST rice cooks... my brother comes downstairs and he and i kinda look at eachother and were like "something's burning!" so we start frantically looking everywhere. i had no clue it was the rice. so after calling a few people and not getting through to anybody and searching everywhere we called 911...

"911 what is your emergency?"

"ummmm.... something in my house is hot and burning..."

(what a gooober...)

somewhere between 5-7 firetrucks, police cars, volunteer firefighters came to figure out it was my rice.

cool. just another day in the world of sarah grace! i do love my life.. never a dull moment for sure!

(we did manage to salvage the pan with alot of soaking and scrubbing with bleach intense cleaning products!)

orphans.

2010-01-25T15:24:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZgLf3rN9xg

Haiti. the world and God's heart for it. He made it. He cares.

2010-01-21T06:54:00.005-06:00

Haiti has been on my heart alot.

Everytime I eat lately, or sleep in my warm bed, or take a shower or drink anything my heart really breaks and feels guilty because I know there is so much suffering there right now. But shouldn't this always be so??? There is suffering around the world right now but Haiti is in the limelight so my heart particularly breaks for this country but there is that hurting everywhere. Hopelessness. People without hope in Jesus...

What does God break your heart for? Are you letting God share His heart with you by spending time with Him and allowing Him to show you His heart for situations? That is something I don't always spend enough time doing is letting God's truth penetrate my life... that just shows me where my heart is though - selfish. Lord help me never be selfish and not let you radically change my life with Your powerful love!!!!

hope. always hope!

2010-01-13T18:58:00.010-06:00

oh the depths Christ went to save us
from the pain and sin surrounding us
the most painful of all deaths and hell
3 days down...

oh the depths Christ went to save us.

oh the times i try on my own
to save myself or not remembering His love
or the depths Christ went to save me.
let me never minimize my Savior.

oh how often i do - and negate the cross
what a price He paid,
Lord bring me back to You
in every situation let my heart conform to Yours
remembering that You took this for me
let no bitterness or un-forgiveness be found
because at such a price you took those to hell.

let it all stay there and let me rejoice in your triumph!
what a day...
what joy and what love!

you my Healer and restorer
my place to learn of true Love and healing

and let me never hesitate to follow You
and show this glorious saving of my heart
let other's know of this Savior
we all need to be saved no matter how big or small
You are that Savior...
saved us one and all!

thank you Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!

excited.

2010-01-05T07:57:00.002-06:00

because today i woke up WANTING Jesus.
wanting to worship Him and wanting Him to have alll of me.

i love waking up with Jesus so in my heart.
wanting to spend time with Him.
you know i pray for that - i want to love Him most.
having Him pulling my heart towards Him.

Him first...

you know but sometimes my heart gets distracted.
so i was excited...
excited to have a heart undivided!!!

pSalM 86:11-12
teach me to walk in Your ways, Lord
give me an undivided heart that i may fear Your name.
i will praise You, O Lord my God with all my heart
I will glorify Your name forever!

Glorious Numbing of Noses and Toeses

2010-01-03T21:06:00.011-06:00

- emily, me, ellen, alison and rachel -

Pure joy...

I feel so blessed and privileged to have such incredible sisters in my life. After ice-skating today we went to a coffee shop and had such encouraging conversations. These girls are absolute gems and I feel so blessed to have such wonderful sisters who have hearts focused on serving Jesus and living that out in every area of life. Encouragement to the soul...

Psalm 3:3
But You are a shield around me O Lord;
You bestow glory on me and lift up my head!

C.S. Lewis

2010-01-02T22:21:00.002-06:00

(art by John Thacker)

"To Love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be certainly wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure to keep it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness; but in that casket-safe, dark, motionless; airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable and irredeemable." ~C.S. Lewis~

Lord - break my heart for what is breaking Yours. Let me never be calloused.

God's Temple, God-prayers

2010-01-01T20:10:00.005-06:00

This morning I was reading through chapter 8 in 1 Kings and it is when King Solomon finished building the temple. I love what he prays...

verse 54:
When Solomon had finished all these prayers and supplications to the Lord, he rose from before the altar of the Lord where he had been kneeling with his hands spread out toward heaven.

How beautiful to have a place where the Lord dwelt after many years of prayer and waiting. How beautiful to see the fruit of answered prayers.

continued in verse 58:
May He turn our hearts to Him to walk in all His ways and to keep the commands, decrees and regulations he gave our fathers.

verse 60:
so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the Lord is God and that there is no other. But your hearts must be fully committed to the Lord our God, to live by His decrees and obey His commands as at this time.

Sometimes, God answers prayers quickly, sometimes years and years go by without a sign of Him hearing, but time to God is not as time is to us. So trust and never stop praying a prayer that is a God-prayer.

The more you spend time with God the easier it is to distinguish His heart and knowing how He wants us to pray. The more time we spend on our own without acknowledging and giving God every part of our lives the more confusing things get and our prayers become frantic and scattered and selfish. Let God's heart beat strongly in your heart and shape your prayers and desires. Then you will be filled with His peace and joy that passes all human understanding.

Psalm 16:11
You have made known to me the path of life,
You fill me with JOY in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.

love.

2009-12-15T23:19:00.002-06:00

why is it so easy for us to love some people.
harder to love others (at least fully from our hearts)
and yet even HARDER to let Christ fully love us.

i have been realizing lately what a grinch i am when it comes to letting myself be loved by God and Jesus. like really understanding and being excited about their love for me. how they adore me - their creation, sister, daughter and friend. how they long to spend time with me and hear my heart and walk and enjoy things with them.

i think if i stopped and let Jesus love my heart instead of block His love He wants to shower me with it'd be alot easier to love those people it can be hard to love at times. and it'd make our love for people easy to love even MORE full. Christ's love does that.. sooo powerful. and...

it casts out all fear.
fills you with joy.
covers you with forgiveness for yourself and others.
peace that passes understanding.
patience in trials.
kindness and goodness.
kindles faithfulness in all things.
controls yourself in out of control situations.
brings gentleness to wrath.

i set the fire-alarms off in our house today. :)

blizzard thots.

2009-12-10T10:47:00.005-06:00

When you end up inside for a few days you have alot of time to think. And wow, has God been moving my heart lately!

The school year has started strong for me - I am teaching 6 classes for Hearts in Step this year. 5 of those 6 classes are 3-5 year old age classes and I LOVE them! Some classic quotes so far this year have been:

"And God, help my grandma's bad breath to go away..."

(after a little girl finishes twirling across the floor.."
"Whoah.... I'm SOOOO busy!"

But then there is also the really precious comments made by students. I had been sick one weekend and hadn't slept well and then Sunday night I ended up sleeping great for the first time. Well, I arrive at my Monday morning class to have one of my little angels inform me that she prayed for me last night, and she prayed I would sleep good! :) What a blessing knowing children are praying and God ANSWERS those prayers! We can learn about prayer (and so much more) from children. I think it's partly why I love them so much - I never want to stop having that child-like faith in Jesus!

Narnia

2009-05-28T21:42:00.026-05:00

It has been quite a while since I've gotten on here! It's been such an incredible season month or so. Let me try to sum up with words and pictures! :)

I completed and performed in my first full length ballet I choreographed, "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe." It was an incredible time. Let me tell you I lived, breathed, slept, ate, everything Narnia for a few weeks leading up to that day. It was amazing and after it was done, I just felt like God had just taught me so much and provided. I think that was the key theme for that event was God's provision. Everything from randomly driving out of my neighborhood and finding the "wardrobe" one day to the facility being basically given to us for free, a ton of costumes randomly given us a few weeks before the show, Kelsey writing a few songs that went precisely with the different parts of the ballet. (She wrote a song from the trees perspective and all the girls in the chorus of Narnia were trees for half the ballet.. what?!) :) Even just providing the right dancers and behind the scenes crew. It was amazing! Really the Lord worked through prayer. I remember one rehearsal where we were going to choreograph the Stone Table scene and I was anticipating it taking at least an entire rehearsal. This was to me the most climactic point of the ballet because it is a depecition of what Christ did on the cross. We all gathered before we started rehearsing it and literally that scene came together in 5 minutes. This whole production was SO focused on prayer... I remember some rehearsals we spent literaly an hour to an hour and half praying over details and it was awesome seeing the Lord answering specific prayers and unifiying our hearts through the Holy Spirit. What a joy to be a part of such an incredible thing! So many people donated so much so that we could give everything to Open Arms for Asia - an incredible ministry to the children in India! Ahh.. Praise the Lord! Here are my favorite shots from this production...

I loved every part of Narnia and will hopefully be able to do it again sometime in the next few years... God knows when I will enter into the world of Narnia again but I have a feeling that just like in the books it will happen when I least expect it. Untill then it holds dear memories in my heart. :)

Easter

2009-04-13T17:45:00.011-05:00

I have an amazing awesome, crazy family! This was my mom's idea!

Make s'mores with peeps! (It was disgusting by the way.... but very funny!)

And then my lovely sister and I enjoyed taking pictures out at my grandparents...

Sunday Afternoon Ramblings

2009-04-05T14:05:00.003-05:00

"Man's true freedom does not consist of the unfettered power to direct his life...it lies in life with God, lived as it was originally intended by God for man. He only gains this as he denies himself." Brown

^ I love that quote. ^

God has been speaking to me about beauty alot lately (obvious from post below). What is beauty - the power it has on us in our lives - the lie that it is etc. So I decided to wear little or no make-up lately. I don't know how long this will go for but it's been such an awesome learning thing. I have never been a huge make-up person so it hasn't been too hard but I do wear a little bit pretty consistently. The other day I was in the mall and I was walking by all these girls who were dressed "perfectly" and had "perfect" hair and make-up and it was really eating at me. I was feeling so less than. And then I was thinking about it and why it was impacting me in the way that it was. I have Jesus in my life who is ALL beauty and these girls were so perfectly dressed and in some ways living their lives for the make-up clothes and "perfectness." And it was making me feel less than. How does that work?? I have Jesus inside me and that is where the beauty matters and yet the power that the lie of beauty has is so powerful that it was making me feel that insecurity etc. I was really impacted by how that works... It's so backwards. Lies are so scary like that. They twist things so easily. Then I just got burdened to pray for them and that they would feel their beauty where it matters most which is from Jesus and that that would be their source of peace and not in their outter appearance. I just don't want those kind of lies to eat at my time - it is so useless and self-focusing which is gross. Self-focus is Satan's way of stealing us little by little.

Jesus' beauty is so un-comparable.

Beauty is a lie

2009-03-28T23:05:00.008-05:00

So I was told that ^ the other day and really started thinking about it. Beauty is such a lie. I've been challenged lately also about the fact that to me make-up can be such a crutch. I guess not like it can be to some girls - like I don't HAVE to wear it but I do rely on it for how I feel about myself too much.

Last night I was reading on Leslie Ludy's blog about self-esteem and how all these Christian ministries are promoting girls having self-esteem and being comfortable in your own skin and how that really is SO backward for what Jesus did. He must increase and I must decrease. But self-esteem can be such a lie because you can only feel good about yourself for so long because we make mistakes and should not be self reliant for our happiness. The only thing good in me is Christ... so being confident in Sarah Grace isn't going to fix the problem long-term only cover it for a little while.

I must decrease.

He must increase!!!!

That is what God has been speaking to me about in regards to beauty and self-esteem. Lessons I may have to be reminded of and learned more than once but pray that God will continue increasing so that I may decrease more and more.

"Beholding is becoming so as You fill my view - transform me into the likeness of YOU!"

March Madness

2009-03-22T21:21:00.010-05:00

So this is the reason that I have been kind of lacking in posts lately. My beautiful pink cast! :) At least it's a good story that involves back hand-springs.
I spent a good part of last week with these two lovely ladies - Nicole and Patti! They work with Bring Me Hope which is a ministry that runs camps for orphans in China. It was awesome hanging out - we had alot of laughs and fun times. Definitely two sisters after my own heart! (Heart you girls!) <3

Life is interesting at times with my broken hand - it has definitely slowed me down but that has been good.

I was reading some of my old writings earlier tonight and it just stirred some old feelings and reminded me of things that God has taught me and how different seasons in my life have such purpose. How my intimacy with Christ was deepened through the hard seasons - and all that He has taught me. I long for that deeper intimacy with my Savior and so often I settle for mediocre faith and relationship and Jesus is always there waiting for me to run to Him.

Me and my adorable youngest cousin Gabby at a Hockey game last night. ;)

<3 You!

2009-03-19T22:43:00.002-05:00

So I've spent the past week pretty much with a couple girls from Bring Me Hope and loved it!!! :) This resulted....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoTbwoDW7WA

<3 You girls!

Also - I broke my navicular scaphoid bone in my right hand - which has made updating difficult but I've been staying pretty busy despite it. Getting ready for Narnia, teaching counting the days til I get to Germany (87!) :D

2009 so far in review

2009-03-02T23:05:00.004-06:00

1. Got pulled over driving for the first time. (Probably cried my way out of a ticket, pretty traumatic for some reason.)

2. Pierced my own cartilage - didn't hurt and no infection.

3. Travelled to Indiana for a dance conference (amaazing!)

4. Finished choreography for my third musical with HPA

5. Started the process of attending Midwife school next year

6. Was a guy and wore a tux for a night

7. Got my back-handsprings again (still working for them on the ground though)

8. Went rollerskating for the first time since I was probably 10

9. Went to the best concert of my life with Jon Foreman and Sean Watkins

So that's all for now -more thoughts and some pictures to come soon!

Beholding

2009-02-09T18:06:00.005-06:00

Today as I was reading in Matthew, I got to the story about Peter walking on the water. It challenged my heart so much today for some reason. I feel so often that I come to God not entirely surrendered. Like, I will read Scriptures and be excited about what I am learning and can talk about spiritual things, but when it comes down to it and praying and talking to God I think sometimes it's really easy to talk to God but not listen. Why is that? God has always proven Himself faithful and being in that place of entire surrender is the most freeing, beautiful feeling of all. To be at peace with the Lord. If I was entirely surrendered, what would God do with this heart of mine? I like to cling on to little things that aren't important. Does it hurt God when He sees all that could be happening in my heart but when I don't take the time to really listen and surrender? Lord, that I would long to always have that intimacy with You!

I was introduced to the song "Captivated" by Vicky Beeching this week because we are using it for our last dance piece at the Turning Pointe recital and I have listened to it almost constantly since then. It's so beautiful. There is a line in it that says, "Beholding, I'm becoming" and that is so incredible. "What is beholding?" It really made me think - beholding the Lord. I guess I kind of think about it as looking at something, but deeper. Like the eyes of our heart just viewing the Lord and taking in His beauty and wonder and depth. Beholding. I like this concept alot.

On Saturday it reached almost 50 degrees here and was sunny so I went on a walk with my lovely journal to the park and it was so incredible to be outdoors in the sunshine with only a fleece! I enjoyed it so much...

Ramblings

2009-02-02T18:38:00.004-06:00

As I have been sick (feeling alot better but still in the hardcore kleenex using stage haha!) I have alot of time to read/think/journal and process those thoughts that keep bugging you and you always send 'em to the back of your brain to think about "later" but in reality later doesn't usually come til you get sick or something.

Saturday night when I was feeling my worst I turned on some music and a song came on when I was drifting in and out of sleep that I haven't heard in a long time. It's called, "Remember Surrender" by Sara Groves. You know, I don't know why but whenever I'm at such a low point God always works so powerfully - once again that happened. As I was laying there miserable I realized how many things I was holding on to in Sarah Grace world. Things that I thought I had surrendered and that weren't a "big deal" but I realized how much I was holding on to those things. I felt like God was asking me, "Do you REALLY trust me on this?" I was like, "well yes I trust You!" But then I thought about how I always will pray about things and lay them over into God's hands and yet I still cling onto them. So I was asking God about this and why if I surrender them do I still keep thinking about them. Well, God answered me in a funny way but basically He was like, "well I didn't tell you to give up your brains when you surrender." I smiled. I do know this and so I think the difference is that we do have brains and we will think about big things coming up or whatever, it's not that we don't think about them but just if we can trust and lay them down.

I guess more than anything during this here little sickness I've been reminded of a deep desire and passion to follow God so closely and to not care what the world thinks - or be hindered any longer by sin. I think God wants us to continue pursuing Him with our everything. Also I've been brought back to this quote alot:

"Satan's biggest trick is to try to get you to do good things God has not called you to do."
John DeVries

Baby Ballerina Cuteness

2009-01-22T14:45:00.004-06:00

I was teaching my little baby ballerinas earlier today and we were getting ready to pray and I always ask them what they would like to pray for. One little girl goes:

"I would like to pray for my mommy and daddy" and she proceeds to whisper confidentially, "those are my parents!" :)

Lamb of God

2009-01-17T22:27:00.004-06:00

It's kind of awesome that one of Jesus' names is Lamb of God.

I've been reading through the Torah and it's so interessting the detail and attention they pay to sacrifices and blood sacrifices for sin. So when Jesus came, he became that ultimate blood sacrifice - being called "Lamb of God."

We are no longer under the sacrificial system because Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. Our own Lamb of God. How amazing?!

Gentiles have been engrafted into God's people. When Jesus came, God had set up the world so it was ripe for the Gospel to be preached. Alexander the Great had "hellenized" that part of the world so they all spoke the same language and the Gospel could be preached and understood. (Even where there were different languages Pentecost happened so people could know the Gospel too. God's awesome like that!)

Things changed when Jesus came - the curtain in the temple to the Holy of Holies was torn. Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. The great commision was time to be fulfilled by God's people, which was expanded to Gentiles. That is humbling and amazing that we are children of God!

Those are just some thoughts running through my head lately... Sometimes I wish I could grow faster and learn more quickly but my friend brought me to the verse from John the other day.

John 16:12 I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear.

I wish I could be done with sin already. I know it doesn't happen overnight and we aren't perfect but I long for that. Being home forever without sin to get in the way of my relationship with Jesus. That unity and perfect peace without being broken or distracted by things. But I also do love the journey - life is a beautiful thing - a gift not to be thrown away. With alot of laughter and moments to be cherished - glimpses into heaven and perfect peace and communion with our Lord.

Calling

2009-01-14T23:50:00.002-06:00

We are a doing culture. I heard a sermon a while ago where the guy was talking about how God had brought him from a human doing to a human being and the difference in his life. Then I heard an amazing sermon this Sunday at my church and heard this quote:

"Satan's biggest trick is to get you to do good things that God has not called you to do." ~John DeVries~

Scattered thoughts on a page about brokeness.

2009-01-04T09:05:00.004-06:00

There is so much pain out there. I remember last summer when I was out at camp in Colorado, Molly really challenged us with the passage in 2 Kings 4 when Elisha prays for the Shunamite woman's son after he had died and he comes back to life.

"When Elisha reached the house, there was the boy lying dead on his couch. He went in shut the door on the two of them and prayed to the Lord. Then he got on the bed and lay upon the boy, mouth to mouth, eyes to eyes, hands to hands. As he stretched himself out upon the boy, the boy's body grew warm. Elisha turned away and walked back and forth across the room and then he got on the bed and stretched out upon him again. The boy sneezed seven times and then opened his eyes."
2 Kings 4:32-35

I have noticed alot of Christians don't want to go to those places and be entirely intimate in a hard situation. What am I going to say to this person who's hurting? What if they ask a question about God I can't answer? What if I "get dirty" in the process. I think this passage expells alot of that. I get so frustrated with people who are not willing to "get dirty" or dive into others' pain. There is so much pain in the world that needs to be addressed like Elisha did. He laid on top of him and prayed to the Lord on his behalf. People NEED this type of love. It's hard to jump into others pain but if we don't who will? Yes it hurts me to the point of tears that rack my whole body sometimes. My heart breaks for people who are hurting and in pain and I wish I could take it away but I can bring them to Jesus who will ultimately use the pain in their life to draw them unto Himself and to shape and change them. That is so hard in the middle of it but I would not change the hard times that I have been through because of how much closer they have brought me to Jesus.

So who is it in your life right now that you need to go in, shut the door and cry out to the Lord for and dive into their pain with them?

What happens when you have Cabin Fever

2008-12-26T16:33:00.002-06:00

So after the week of never-ending snow (aka being inside your house for a week!) ;) my sister and I decided to venture out and use some giftcards received over the holidays.

At the end of our shopping trip we were both pretty hungry and decided to use another gift card at the local Panera and grab a sandwich and have a peaceful little lunch. As we are sitting down to eat it became quite obvious to both of us that at the table right next to us there was quite an intense debate/conversation happening about whether the Bible was God's word and wether or not God really exists etc. I enjoy those type sof conversations and we couldn't help but hear it since the guys voice was quite loud. Haha... we ended up getting brave and asking them to come over to our table and continue the discussion. It was great - and Candace (the girl) believes the Bible and Jordan was questioning and saying he didn't feel like he could and wanted evidence. It was a good conversation.

I like meeting random people in Panera and discussing God. Jordan is currently attending Georgetown University in Washington D.C. and just finished taking a class called "The Problem of God." I thought that was so interessting seeing as I so strongly believe that God is the answer to the problem (the problem being sin.) Hmmm... good thinking thoughts. I enjoy. :D

Overwhelming Love

2008-12-23T23:11:00.002-06:00

I could not have had a more beautiful birthday. Lately my heart has felt overwhelmed with love and I don't even know how to handle it all. There are so many incredibly, beautiful people in my life who I know love me way more than I deserve but I thank the Lord so much for allowing all these people into my life - they have helped shape and challenge me and have been there through the hard times to remind me of who I am in Christ and challenge me to joy through all circumstances. I am so humbled at all of this love and am honestly overwhelmed with love. Pure love.

Fruit and Gifts

2008-12-23T22:55:00.003-06:00

Lately I have been thinking alot about the fruits of the Spirit verses the gifts of the Spirit.

A fruit is the product of what is cultivated.

A gift is freely given by the Lord and is ours to receive or reject.

So - fruit of the Spirit is something that can be grown and cultivated only through the vine, Jesus Christ (John 15) and is affected by our surroundings/environment/choices. Fruit flourishes under the right conditions or dies. It can also look good on the outside but inside be worthless.

The gifts of the Spirit is something that God gives us freely to further His kingdom and is ours either to receive and use for His kingdom or to hoard and be selfish with. It's a gift to use to further the Kingdom not something we are supposed to sit on and keep for ourselves. I think a gift shared and given to others is so beautiful.

"Secrets"

2008-12-20T23:00:00.000-06:00

“Secrets”
6/18/2008

It started out as something so small
A neglected heart at the edge of the crowd
What draw the crowd has – one may never know
But she stands at the edge –feeling alone and left out

There is a war going on much deeper than she knows
It started almost before time
So how can she fight if she doesn’t know?
The war for a soul – defenseless and standing at the edge of the crowd

What secrets held inside?
Secrets that are meant to be shared
Secrets that stay inside only bind you in fear
The voices that no one hears but scream at you at night
They hold you alone and keep you at the edge of the crowd

That’s part of the war that started before time
The battle for a soul – Satan has no right
He stretches out the tentacles that keep you locked up in fear
Freedom seems impossible
Secrets are what bind you in fear

The father of lies is the father of secrets
When you hold them inside the secrets control you
Not only the secrets but the father of secrets
Each secret a tentacle –keeping you from your freedom

Each secret a chain and lock that must be opened
To be able to trust and to gain your freedom
You can’t hold these secrets they don’t belong to you
You were bought at a price before you even knew what love was

The chains held by the father of secrets
Keep your soul locked and bound
Can be opened and freed – you must trust and get rid of these secrets

Secrets held in the dark will only tie you down
You must shed light on them
Though your eyes squint and you shudder from what used to hold you down

The light will expose the dark secrets and the darkness will flee
When you trust and share the secret
Only then can you be free

prayer continually

2008-12-19T17:40:00.005-06:00

This is the Stockbridge Boiler Room Prayer Garage. They host 24/7 prayer times throughout the year and this past week they had another one. People sign up for hour time slots and they have prayer going on non-stop for a week. I went with my friend Christiana one morning this week and it's just wonderful. The prayers written out in the prayer journals, through art on the walls, nailed on the cross, the music. I don't pray enough - in fact I am really bad at praying. I'm really good at worrying first and praying second. God has been speaking to me alot about prayer lately and it is an area of my life i am striving to re-vamp and break old habits in. Old-habits die hard however. So if you are reading this I would appreciate prayers to pray more and first. Thank you for that...

Be joyful always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18~

Joy

2008-12-15T19:52:00.002-06:00

Joy to the world - the Lord is come!

Joy is so incredible. I love how the Bible talks about Joy -
"Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds..." (James 1:2)

Once again that seeming contradiction of the Bible. But is it really? Why would it be joyful to face a trial? Maybe because in the facing of a trial you become closer to Christ and his suffering on the cross and understand His heart better. What if through that trial you become more like Christ? What if through that trial you're joy becomes more pure because you have been in the valley and walked through it and up the other side and have been better prepared for something that God is calling you towards but would have no idea how to handle if you hadn't walked through that trial. Ultimate pure joy.

At church yesterday, Rod was talking about when we truly are seeking Christ we sometimes become poor, suffer and are rejected, and yet it says this is pure joy. The world offers popularity, wealth, success etc. which can look very attractive. Except those are empty and do not bring about the type of everlasting joy. True joy comes at a cost. Jesus is joy.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
He humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place
and gave Him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.
(Phillipians 2:6-10)

Joy comes from surrender and that also brings about freedom. Jesus made himself obedient to death. Why would we not? Jesus is joy. Do you want deep, pure, joy? Try surrendering as Jesus did and die to self and live only in Him and through Him. Joy is a choice not an emotion... Especially through the hard things that is when we must choose joy because it is bringing about Jesus in our life.

Joy to the world - the Lord is come!
Let earth receive her king
Let every heart prepare Him room
And heaven and nature sing...

Called verses Qualified

2008-12-05T21:46:00.002-06:00

"God doesn't call the qualified - He qualifies the called."
~Andy McDaniel~

My dad has some pretty good one liners. Some are funny, some are serious, some are funny yet serious seeing as it's my dad. But that one up there is pretty awesome. We live in a time where qualifications mean everything. We are constantly placing our value forward. People ask for qualifications when hiring for a job. We are really good at proving ourselves.

But yet we long for that place of resting in Christ where wo don't have to prove anything anyways, because He already knows. We long to be known and yet we are always trying to prove ourselves. We are contradictions.

Lord let me not get caught up in qualifications - when looking at others or in trying to prove myself. Let me come to you as an empty vessel that You alone can fill me up to be used for Your purposes alone. Call me to You first and foremost and let me not place value in my qualifications but rather in my calling to be called to you.

Jesus' Love

2008-11-23T17:23:00.003-06:00

"You are the blood over, the door of my heart. What pain you spared me from, how could I know it all?!"
~Bethany Dillon~

I was thinking about this song lyric earlier and how absolutely intimate, caring and personal is Jesus' love for me. Just as in the book of Exodus it talks about a passover lamb and putting their blood over the doorframe so that the Lord would pass over their houses and not harm the Israelites, so does Jesus blood do that for me now. Nothing can "pass through" the door of my heart that doesn't directly impact Jesus, because His blood is over my heart and covers me. He cares and knows what is going in and out of the "door of my heart."

Wow.

Contradiction, or not?

2008-11-19T14:34:00.006-06:00

A few weeks ago I was at Evensong which is a weekly worship gathering of about 500+ college age students. They had a speaker come in named Thomas Mollhagen. He started Open Arms for Asia, an orphanage in India. http://www.openarmsforasia.org/

He was saying how one morning they didn't have any food and didn't have any money to get food and he was worried. One of the little girls came up to him and said, "Thomas did you pray yet?" He said, "yes I've prayed." She said, "then why are you worrying?" They all prayed together and a truck pulled up to the door and this guy had had a huge party the night before and had tons of left over food and asked if they could use it. God provides.

Then I was reading in Jeremiah 50:4

"In those days, at that time,"declares the LORD, "the people of Israel and the people of Judah together will go in tears to seek the LORD their God.

Matthew 6:27
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life

Doesn't that contradict eachother? Being able to seek the Lord in tears and yet not worrying? Crying is a strong emotion, that Jesus experienced as well. Tears can be triggered by many things. So being able to seek the Lord in tears - I've been there but so often it can be associated with worry. The Bible is full of what seems to be contradictions. I myself can feel like a walking contradiction sometimes, but I think God understands our hearts. We are told not to worry but that can be literally impossible. I think not giving into a constant state of worry and learning about surrender is what God wants and being able to surrender through the hard things. I would like to be more like the little girl talking to Thomas. "Did you pray? Then why are you worried?" God knows we need to be able to come to Him in tears and cry and seek Him with those strong emotions, but being able to ultimately say - "I trust You, Lord and I will surrender even though this is hard."

Surrender. Wow, God understands our hearts so intimately. That is a beautiful concept!

Home

2008-11-06T18:30:00.003-06:00

I've had alot of girls talk to me lately about feelings of loneliness or being left out. Having people go out and do things and then they find out about it later. Feelings of not belonging.

Girls like to be pursued and have a tendency to rely alot on expectations. If things don't go the way we think or had hoped it can tend to crush us.

I was thinking about this since alot of girls had expressed feelings of loneliness etc and it just reminded me that this is not our home. Sure we can have wonderful earthly families that God can bless us with and friendships but no matter how wonderful people can be they are still people and will let us down. This is not the end for us. This is not "home." We are going to have feelings of "left out" or not completely home. But what do we do with those feelings? In Luke it talks about how Jesus actually pursued lonely places to talk to God.

Luke 5:16
But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.

How many of us would acctually chose to often go to lonely places. Being lonely is usually associated with being a bad thing. I remember when my family first moved to Miami that was one of the most lonely times for me. I didn't have any friends - was 17 and didn't have a car. My sister (who is my best friend) stayed in Michigan for school. But that time was so wonderful. I look back on that time and wish I had a little more of that in my life now. I had so much time to just pour into my relationship with Christ. He shaped me and really did so much in my heart during this "lonely" time.

People long for "home" and what all that means and deep friendship and people long to be known intimately and loved for who we all are.

We aren't home yet - but being lonely is not bad. There are glimpses of home here that God gives us and those moments are beautiful reminders of what it will be someday. Thank you, Lord for those moments of "home" before we are home.

Time

2008-11-03T16:31:00.005-06:00

We hustle and bustle to keep up with time

While the clock never stops

It's time that holds our constant demand

God created time.

What is time? A gift.

What is to be done with the time given you?

To be fully alive in Christ and His plans and God's will. Blooming where you're planted. But being willing to be transplanted.

I was thinking about the gift of time yesterday because I heard the "Cinderella" song by Steven Curtis Chapman and it made me cry. Maria is so beautiful. But as I was crying I looked up and saw the beautiful clouds and the sunshine breaking through and it looked like a little piece of heaven and I remembered she was there dancing with Jesus. And it made me think about my time here on earth.

Passion for China

2008-10-26T14:25:00.003-05:00

I know a 5 year old little boy named, Drew. I saw his family yesterday when I visited Detroit. You ask him what he wants to be when he grows up and he says, "A missionary to China!" Every night he prays for these missionaries who are being persecuted in China. He prays for the "emperor" of China every night to become a Christian. Every chance he gets he asks his mom to go to Blockbuster to get movies about China. This little boy was adopted from Russia 3 years ago by this family - who I look at as a kind of second family to me. I wonder where he would be if he was still in an orphanage in Russia. Would he have that conviction (as a 5 year old) to go to China?

This inspires me so much because ever since I was a little girl I have always wanted to go to China to love the orphans there. This summer I finally get to go. I think it was a dream I had kind of laid aside for a while because I had tried a few different times to go and things never worked out. When I found BMH online and they were just saying "COME" I was like, what? And I registered to go right then and there even though they were full swing in the middle of summer camps and I would have to wait untill 09. Almost every worship service I'm at lately I am drawn to tears out of thankfulness to God that I am finally getting to go to China and out of a broken heart for all the children there hurting. My hearts breaks even now and just wanting to be there and holding them and letting them know that I love them and the reason I love them so much is because Jesus loves them. They maybe can't comprehend it all but just playing with them and taking care of their practical needs in a small way... I am already prepping my heart for having to leave them and hate the thought even now. I just love them so much and my heart is so passionate for those orphans!

Live

2008-10-20T10:40:00.002-05:00

Ezekiel 16:6

Then I passed by you and saw you kicking about in your own blood and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, "Live!"

Gabby

2008-10-18T23:01:00.003-05:00

Our cousins came over tonight to celebrate my Nana's 71st birthday. My youngest cousin, Gabrielle (aka Gabby) and I have always been really close. But tonight she got me thinking about some stuff... She is probably the BIGGEST snuggle bug in the whole world, every second she wants to be in your lap with your arms around her just absolutely snuggling! Lol... Just as an example tonight she was sitting in my lap while Nana was opening her presents and Nana came to do the rounds of thank yous and give us all kisses and I stood up for two seconds to kiss my Nana and Gabby said, "Ok back to snuggling now!"

Gabby is so affirmed in this and has always felt extreme love and affection in her home and life and school etc. But it breaks my heart tonight because I was thinking of all the Gabby's in this world who are taken advantage of and abused and who are orphans and who have that HUGE desire in their hearts to simply snuggle. All those beautiful girls who don't have daddy's who snuggle with them and let them know they are beautiful and loved and affirmed in Christ.

a sarah grace psalm for the day

2008-10-10T18:49:00.007-05:00

As I step into that place
Of complete and utter surrender
When I come before you
Without a protective hand to hinder
With arms open wide
Ready to embrace what you may say
Without a shield up
To block Your burning fire

O, Lord that you would refine me
No matter what the cost
Burn away myself
And let me not shun from the pain
For whatever the cost it's worth it
To be refined by You
Burn away my fleshly passions
Til You alone are standing true

Free to Dance

2008-09-28T11:50:00.006-05:00

Last night, God blessed me so much by allowing me to dance for part of a worship night for an organization called CURE International. (http://www.cureinternational.org/)

They had two of their doctors in town from Kenya and so my friend Kyle put together a worship/info night about what Cure is doing. They basically perform surgeries for children around the world who couldn't afford it. Another really cool part about what they do is they train people in those countries to become surgeons etc.

Before I danced they played a video about one little boy who had recieved surgery to cure his severly bow legs, and how he struggled simply to walk before this surgery and it had a clip of him running at the end. It really impacted me because I think my biggest fear is having something happen to me that would prevent me from dancing.

As I was dancing tears were flowing and I have never been more thankful when I was dancing to simply be able to dance with God and just how much it means to my heart, soul and mind to be able to dance. Thank you, GOD for allowing me to have such an intimate connection to you through my dancing and that You allow me to be able to dance before You with freedom and love.

Hurting for the Broken

2008-09-24T08:39:00.004-05:00

Last night at dance my friend Kaitlyn read a note that she had written on facebook about hurt, healing and hope (http://www.new.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=27630863050) and we were talking about it and were just really broken together about some hurting friends. As we were crying it just made me wonder that if we as human beings can feel such hurt for someone else, how much does it hurt God when His children are broken and hurting? There are some things you just can't wrap your mind around but I know that if my heart breaks over people and their pain how much more so is that true for God?

One of my favorite lines from a Bethany Dillon song is:
"I cannot believe You are angry or unjust, You have done nothing but have compassion on us."

God, break our hearts for what breaks Your heart and give us the courage to dive into other people's pain like you are willing to do everyday and not walk away. Help us to being willing to really go there, just like Elisha did with the Shunamite woman's son. He went in and shut the door and was willing to literally lie on top of him and breathe life into him. (2 Kings, 4:8-37) Are we really willing to go to that place and feeling what God feels for that person, even that person that is "unlovable" and the least of these?

I think it's really easy to walk away from people's pain. We all have pain in our life and sometimes we want to stay in our pain and have people come to us and understand what we're going through and love us. I know there are times for that but we need to be the ones willing to not wallow in our self-pity or selfishness and be willing to step beyond our pain and go to that hard place with others. Let Jesus heal your heart and work through your pain and not sit there comfortable in your pain but go beyond it and let it teach you what God wants to teach you so you can go about what God has called us all to do. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Love like crazy.

No Presuppositions.

2008-09-18T18:04:00.000-05:00

I was just wondering earlier what it would be like for someone to open the Bible and completely un-biasedly read it and follow everything in it that God tells us. What would that look like?

It seems like everyone has opinions and interpretations on what God says in the Bible. I have gone to so many different types of churches and have so many friends who believe different things within them all believing in God and His Son.

It would just be interessting to see someone living out what is in the Bible who has absolutely no presuppositions about what something meant in the Bible. We have soooo many philosophies even just about church it's rediculous almost. I understand it because we all have minds to think but it's just hard sometimes to know if you are looking at someting objectively that is a "gray area" or if you without even realizing it are putting on your own presuppositions.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way, walk in it.' "~Isaiah 30:21~

Update

2008-09-17T15:50:00.000-05:00

My friend, Chris is doing better... He so far has been able to keep the leg. He's gone through many surgeries and will have a long road ahead if he wants to be able to walk, but He is one of the most determined and energetic guys that I know - so I'm sure with God's help he will be able to walk and do all his normal stuff again. :)

Chris

2008-09-12T09:08:00.000-05:00

Please pray for my friend Chris - he was in a really bad motorcycle accident yesterday and basically his left arm and leg are both shattered right now and he may lose his left leg.

A 10 Year Old's Encouragement

2008-09-11T09:54:00.000-05:00

We had our second dance night with the younger girls group - (1o -14 year olds) and we were talking about stepping out and trusting God more.

One of the girls who is 12 was saying that sometimes it was hard for her to trust God because she will pray about something (like healing her uncle from cancer) and it doesn't happen and it makes it hard to trust God sometimes.

Then another little 10 year old girl says, "Well I used to pray for certain things and ask God why He didn't answer those prayers and then I realized that He usually did answer those prayers just sometimes I would pray things that weren't in His will. Or maybe He would answer them differently than I expected - but He still answers them and hears them."

A ten year old understanding this concept and encouraging another little girl that way was so beautiful.

Whirling

2008-08-21T23:00:00.001-05:00

There's a Hebrew word called "Macowl" (spell?) that means to whirl or spin. It is used in alot of the passages in the Old Testament particularly in the Psalms whenever it talks about dancing in praise of God. I like it. That word has meant alot to me for many reasons..

This summer has been a whirl-wind but what I love is that I have been whirling with God. Through all the hecticness (6 cross country road-trips anyone?) of this summer I have had that underlying peace of knowing that I am whirling with God. Maybe a little crazy concept but so true.

There are so many stories from this summer - I can't begin to start writing them all. Starting out with a road trip to Miami, heading up an Inner-City Fine Arts camp for a week, travelling up to MI to work on a horse ranch for a week with amazing people, teaching another ballet camp, travelling to CO for a week of camp, my dad's surgeries and all the complications and scariness of that, trying to figure out whether or not we would stay in Miami or go back to MI, and trying to pack and move and finally leave a day early because of a hurricane - my life has been insane this summer. I have met wonderful people - deepened relationships with old friends and God has been teaching me so much about whirling with Him no matter what.

It was harder leaving Miami than I thought it would be - saying goodbye is never easy so I don't know why I thought it would be this time. My heart is sad missing beautiful people there - but I know that God has me in MI again for a reason and I am very excited about everything here too.. very mixed emotions. Whirling. That is my word.

Colorado 2008

2008-08-13T21:13:00.001-05:00

Crooked Creek was amazing...

since a picture's worth a thousand words...

80's work-out girls!

that's me! (we definitely had a massive whip cream fight later!)

some of us on top of the mountain

our whole cabin on top of the mountain..

Ballet Camp

2008-08-01T08:36:00.001-05:00

Ballet Camp Pics :)

I'm off to Colorado for a week of camp.. :D I'm so excited and cannot wait to see what the Lord has for us all there. A lady who is on the prayer team is somewhat of a mentor to me and she Emailed me this morning and was just saying how she cannot wait to see what the Lord has to teach every one of us. :) Amen...

Imagery from Romans 8

2008-07-28T23:30:00.000-05:00

Some poetical-ish thoughts after reading Romands 8:18-27

All creation is groaning
It was made to be whole
Not experiencing decay
Or blood spilled on it's ground

It was made to be alive
Not choked by sin and destruction
It's groans resonate inside
Waiting for redemption one final time

Our spirits deep inside
Groaning for true life
Longings unfulfilled must mean
We're made for another life

Groanings un-explained
Waiting for that day
Intercede when our groans become too much
And remind us You're coming to redeem, restore and to save!

Group

2008-07-25T14:38:00.000-05:00

Last night we went to group and it was so wonderful. There was a brother and sister there and a few months ago the brother who just graduated from high school became a Christian. He had been doing drugs and supplying them and you could just see such a huge difference in Him. He was talking about his parents and how they're catholic and some of the conversations he's had with them since he became a Christian. You could see the transformation and the true love just bubbling out of him. Then a few weeks back he brought his sister to group and you could just see the hunger on her face for Christ and really listening to everything being shared and said. Then yesterday she came again to group and with this face just absolutely shining shared with the whole group that two weeks ago she accepted Christ after group with her brother in the car on the way home. It was beautiful. Last night they were praying for eachother and thanking the Lord that they had eachother to talk to and asking the Lord to protect eachother and it was sooo beautiful. Just the joy and the transformation inside of them both is SO obvious. :)

Another girl was born in Pakistan and grew up there and also Muslim. Last year at group she became a Christian and if she goes home she will probably be killed. All of her family over there are muslims. It's crazy hearing her talk. She has a room-mate now who is Hindu and has all the idols in their room and Sai was talking about how literaly you could feel the spiritual warfare and that she has just been praying. Well, last night her room-mate and another Hindu came to group with Sai. They didn't really say anything but the girl told Bri (one of the leaders) that she would be back next week and she loved it.

It is just so cool to see the diversity culterally and all the different stories and the meshing of brand-new believers and believer's who have believed for a long time and how we all challenge and encourage eachother and the deep love for Scriptures and just reading through it together and sharing all the different perspectives and insights and just WORSHIPING Christ. I love group so much and am so thankful. They are precious people and brothers and sisters. Beautiful.

the vision and the vow

2008-06-24T22:57:00.000-05:00

so I'm reading the book "The Vision and the Vow" by Pete Greig currently.. amazing stuff!

"Their DNA chooses Jesus

(He breathes out - they breathe in)

Their subconscious sings

They had a blood transfusion with Jesus"

Be Near Me

2008-06-22T22:39:00.001-05:00

"I cannot believe You are angry or unjust
You have done nothing but have compassion on us
And be near when I have given up, be near me!"
~Bethany Dillon~

That whole song is amazing.. "Be Near Me" I have listened to it on repeat alot the past few days.

I love how when we "know what's going on" or when "we figure God out" that He can just cause a "tornado" to go off and remind you that you can NEVER figure Him out but that you can always trust Him. I feel like I have let go in a new way this week-end and that I have finaly realized that I cannot figure God out. (duh) I know that but I was reminded of that this week-end. I like it. And I absolutely love that even though I cannot "figure Him out" that I can TRUST Him with my whole heart. :D

You never know what a day will bring.

Lately I've been looking at people through my eyes. Jesus has been teaching me about looking at people through HIS eyes which are full of hope and see people how they are supposed to be. I see people and just get filled with doubt but that's NOT my job. I need to be seeing them how Jesus sees them and that is whole - not broken- completely free to worship HIM! I hate that I can be so cynical sometimes...

"Is it alright if I stay here all night.. by the shoreline.."
~Bethany Dillon~

Secrets

2008-06-19T09:15:00.001-05:00

“Secrets”
6/18/2008

It started out as something so small
A neglected heart at the edge of the crowd
What draw the crowd has – one may never know
But she stands at the edge –feeling alone and left out

There is a war going on much deeper than she knows
It started almost before time
So how can she fight if she doesn’t know?
The war for a soul – defenseless and standing at the edge of the crowd

What secrets held inside?
Secrets that are meant to be shared
Secrets that stay inside only bind you in fear
The voices that no one hears but scream at you at night
They hold you alone and keep you at the edge of the crowd

That’s part of the war that started before time
The battle for a soul – Satan has no right
He stretches out the tentacles that keep you locked up in fear
Freedom seems impossible
Secrets are what bind you in fear

The father of lies is the father of secrets
When you hold them inside the secrets control you
Not only the secrets but the father of secrets
Each secret a tentacle –keeping you from your freedom

Each secret a chain and lock that must be opened
To be able to trust and to gain your freedom
You can’t hold these secrets they don’t belong to you
You were bought at a price before you even know what love was

The chains held by the father of secrets
That keep your soul locked and bound
Can be opened and freed – you must trust and get rid of these secrets

Secrets held in the dark will only tie you down
You must shed light on them
Though your eyes squint and you shudder from what used to hold you down

The light will expose the dark secrets and the darkness will flee
When you trust and share the secret
Only then can you be free

Like a child...

2008-06-18T19:18:00.000-05:00

God loves children. I kinda like them myself. :D I was in a restraunt the other day and there was this adorable little boy. The waitress brought him out a balloon and his eyes just lit up! I love seeing children re-act to things around them. What makes them smile and laugh for joy. Where does that come from? How does a baby know to cry when he's unhappy or needs something. Children are SO precious. They are the closest thing to how God intended us to be.

I had a conversation with my "sister" Abby the other day about how we expect children to grow up so fast and cut down their dreams and imagination like it means nothing. Why are we not protecting them and nurturing them? Their dreams and innocence is the most precious gift they posess and we treat it like it doesn't matter.

Luke 10:21

At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit, said, "I praise you, Father, because you have hidden these things from the wise and revealed them to little children."

Luke 18:16-17

Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

Michael Card wrote a song about his son Will called, "The Sunrise of Your Smile." It is beautiful..

Reject the wordly lie that says,

That life lies always up ahead,

Let power go beofre control becomes a crust around your soul,

Escape the hunger to posess,

And soul-diminishing sucsess,

This world is full of narrow lives,

I pray by grace your smile survives.

For I would wander weary miles,

Would welcome ridicule, my child,

To simply see the sunrise of your smile,

To see the light behind your eyes,
The happy thought that makes you fly,

Yes, I would wander weary miles,

To simply see the sunrise of your smile.

Now close your eyes so you can see,

Your own unfinished memories,

Now open them, for time is breif,

And you'll be blest beyond belief,

Now glance above you at the sky,

There's beauty there to blind the eye,
I ask all this then wait awhile,
To see the dawning of your smile.

Butterfly Effect

2008-06-04T22:19:00.000-05:00

"There are no words that we can say to explain why we feel this way; though we try only God knows who we are when we change from catepillars to butterflies"
~Hana~

So me and this girl ^ and another girl had the most divine time last night... God did some pretty HUGE things and it was just amazing.. enough said! I told them about my special love of butterflies and the symbolism to me. Hana then wrote that up there about it..

Family is SO important.
When you merely omit something that is also a lie.

When you omit things to your family (not telling them what's going on in your life) you are in actuality feeding lies. There is no where for truth to grow then. Some of the happiest people I know are the people who do not have to hide anything. They tell their families everything. Growing up, I had a "no-secrets" policy with my family -which freed me UP! I never had to wonder if they would find out about something. If I didn't tell them something right away, my parents were pretty good about figuring out if I was hiding something so I would always end up telling anyways. Read the last chapter in Malachi... here's a part:

Malachi 4:6
He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children
and the hearts of the children to their fathers
or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.

God did not create families for no reason. Part of living free and full is having that relationship with your family and not hiding things from eachother. The people (peer-wise) that I hands down respect the most have this same "no-secrets" policy with their families and respect and love for them. It's amazing how God uses what He created for freedom and full life and life abundantly in Him!

Rest

2008-06-01T16:21:00.000-05:00

"Though I sleep my heart is awake - thought it's night on You I'll wait!"
~Misty Edwards~

"I slept but my heart was awake."

Song of Solomon 5:2

I was talking to a friend the other day and he was saying how even though our physical bodies sleep and get tired our spirits don't. Our spirits don't need sleep. God can still communicate with us through dreams and even while we're sleeping. Sometimes I wake up with a person just on my heart and I know that I need to pray for them for whatever reason. Our spirits don't ever get tired. If people are nervous they can't always go to sleep and even when they do it can be full of dreams about something coming up and their spirit doesn't shut-off just because their physical body gets tired.

"Because nothing makes sense to a particle in motion, you've gotta slow down because the world just won't!"
~Matt Elmore~

"Let us be silent that we may hear the whisper of God"
~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

Me and my sister snuggling together when we were little cuties! :-)

My Burden, You Lift!

2008-05-28T13:50:00.000-05:00

This is really old - but I found it today and I was comforted by it and reminded of some cool lessons God taught me then... :)

"My Burden, You Lift"

11/11/04

I feel suffocated and pressured
It's hard to breath, hard to move
It's a mountain that is weighing me down

Does everyone feel this way deep inside?
Supressed and feeling the need to die?

When you hung on that cross
Did my burden hurt you?
Is that what it means when they say,
"the weight of the world was on Your shoulders?

I imagine my burden
How it weighs me down
And I think of countless others
Who are hurting and being weighed down

How many of us casting it all on you
Our burdens in reality our sins
Were all thrown upon you

I know what it felt like to carry it
Horrible, painful, and hard
Untill I died and gave it away
My heart leaped and I was free
Never to be supressed or dragged down

I think of how much harder for you
Carrying all our burdens in that cross
My own burden plus thousands more
Made you fall to the ground

You died a death I should have died
You took my burden away
And when you came back to life
Your joy no words could say

I know how light and free I felt
Giving away my burden to you
But you had mine and thousands more
To relinquish and be freed from

I can't imagine the joy in your heart
Being free of the weight of the world
We all should have carried those burdens
But by your grace alone
We can cast them out

Do I feel what God feels?

2008-05-28T02:38:00.000-05:00

Is God being impacted by this situation?

And if God is being impacted am I also being impacted?

If God is being impacted by this situation and I am not being impacted what is preventing me from being impacted?

Because if God feels and cares about this situation and I do not, what has become numb in my soul that is preventing me from being impacted by this situation that God feels and is impacted by?

When World's Collide

2008-05-22T12:20:00.000-05:00

When World’s Collide
1/6/08

A tiny baby born to un-suspecting parents
Two people aged and changed by the world
One person not yet touched by time and charm
These worlds collide

A shriveled woman on the Indian streets
A girl raised in America, always enough to eat
She's always starved for lack of food
She's starved because she's not "beautiful" enough
These world's collide

A child raised in a loving home
An old man, fought in the war of old
The child gives life and love out of an overflowing heart
Memories of old, how they haunt his soul
These world's collide

A woman diagnosed with cancer
A little girl fighting for her life
The woman gives up and wants to die
The little girl sees each day as a gift to love and try
These world's collide

A city boy raised in the hustle and bustle
A country boy raised by nature itself
The city teaching what are we doing without?
The nature teaching the beauty in what's given us
These world's collide

A baby raised in heaven above
A virgin mother to hold the child
An earthly father accused of sin
A heavenly Father holding them all
These world's collide

An innocent man on the cross
The theif next to him eternally lost
But he believed in His innocent blood
His innocence the greatest act of love
These world's collide

How is it when world's collide
That it can make such waves in your life?
Or rather how could it not make waves
The choice is yours
When worlds collide

Encouragement.

2008-05-22T11:40:00.000-05:00

So lately God has blessed me with some huge encouragement that I didn't even realize I needed untill I received it. But I think that's how God works - He knows what we need better than even we do ourselves!

I had a friend call me to check in with me about how I am really doing. The words shared were so life-giving and I felt so loved and didn't even realize how much I needed to hear that. This friend not only encouraged but also challenged me in a few areas that I needed to be challenged in. Not that I hadn't been challenged before but it was a good reminder.

I had another friend send me a big passage of Scripture out of Phillipians to simply encourage me. It spoke to my heart and came at a time where I needed to hear that truth more than anything.

Another huge one has been my sister. I feel like she is my armor-bearer. She is right there with me through-out any trial and beyond that she is there. But when I say she is there it's more than a simple like listening or praying. You can be there without really being "there" if you know what I mean. When she is there for me boy is she there for me. It's an amazing gift that I feel so blessed to have.

God's Tears

2008-04-29T13:41:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was really struck with some reminders about God's love for us. It is quite honestly hard to put into words. Really words don't do certain things any sort of justice. I think that's why I dance - because I feel things so deeply. I can't express some of the deepest things in my heart any other way.

When a 14 year old little girl comes up to you thinking she is pregnant and so confused and asking why and how and all you can do is hug her and tell her that Jesus loves her and will get her through it, when her boyfriend is telling her to get an abortion, when another 17 year old girl just had a baby, when 12 year olds are struggling with eating disorders and self-hatred, when a 15 year old's mom has gotten shot by her then husband who ends up killing himself next to her mom and blaming her mom for it and her older sister tries to commit suicide and she feels like nothing is solid and is clinging to you and praying to Jesus to heal her family, when another girl says that every night she prays to God to change her family and help them stop drinking alcohol and abusing eachother and never sees a change and is struggling with doubt about whether God hear's her prayers and if He truly exists, when another girl is so beautiful and her boyfriend dumps her and then right in front of her starts making-out with another girl and her feelings of self-worth are zero, when a girl wants NOTHING more than her family to simply be a family and her mom struggles with depression, when a girl has an abortion because her dad abuses her untill she does, when another girl shares that she believes in God but isn't really sure about Jesus right now and also claims it's because she's walked away from it by her choice, when your close friend's marriage engagements are broken, when a girl cuts herself for relief from pain but in reality causing so much more pain, when girls are questioning their sexuality because they've had their heart broken by boys too many times to count, when a group of 14 year old's are smoking weed just to relax...

Doesn't it make your heart break? Doesn't it make you ask why? Sometimes I just have to weep... Really truly when girls tell me these things it breaks my heart. I know the answer to their questions but sometimes they have to learn for themselves. I can spoon-feed them what I know - that Jesus DOES hear their prayers and that He has a reason for everything He says in the Bible - not to make life miserable but free. God must cry, it must break His heart to see us everyday try to do things on our own and go against His will and perfect plans for our lives. He must cry.

We had our last Campus Life club last night - a group of us did a dance/skit to the song "This is How it Feels to Be Free!" and during part of it it was all I could do to not cry because I have been freed from my chains and even at the same time it is an everyday surrender too. I know I still cause God pain whenever I choose something that isn't in His will and yet I know of His DEEP love for me in my life and can respond to that love.

I know God cries. And I know that I have made Him cry which can break my heart when I think about it. But - that just makes me SO incredibly thankful for my relationship with Him and His deep, deep love for me. If He didn't cry, I wouldn't know that He loves me and yet He loves me and when I do something against Him and His will it will break His heart, which is how I know He loves me. God's love is soo powerful. Let me remember that each and every moment of the day...

some old writings...

2008-04-15T15:49:00.000-05:00

“Remind me again, I’m just a child”
11/8/04

A beautiful little girl with big brown eyes
Lookin’ up at her daddy
She says, “Daddy, oh daddy, please let go of my hand! I’m a big girl now and I’m ready to stand!”
The loving Daddy looks at his precious girl, the apple of His eye
He knows exactly what will happen to her if he lets go of her hand
She will stand, maybe walk but pain she will receive
For she is yet a child in need of holding her daddy’s hand

He says, “Alright my daughter, I’ll let go of your hand, and if you fall down you can come back to me again.”

He didn’t want to let go, but you can’t hold on to something when it’s determined to let go
As her hand pulled away from His, she was happy but a while
She was happy in her freedom, as she tried her wings
But her happiness came to an end as she stumbled and fell
She realized that her wings weren’t ready to carry her
And she came crashing to the ground
She looked up and there was her daddy, with tears in His eyes
He did not scold her or say “I told you so” he merely cried
He held her closely in his arms, his tears running over her and cleaning off her wounds
He whispered in a shaky breath “My daughter, I love you”

Dear God, please remind me again, I’m just a child in your arms
I can’t go it alone, I need to hold on to your hand
When I let go, stop clinging and holding fast to you
I only give myself pain but worst of all I hurt you too
Remind me once again, I’m just a child in your arms
Remind me, Lord, I’m just a child, just a child

The little girl started walking, holding fast to her daddy’s hand
Som friends ran up to meet her and grab her by that hand
She looked up at her daddy, curious to see if He’d say, “no”
He only smiled at her and said “My daughter, I love you”

Her hand slipped out from His, caught up by a new group of friends
Once again she was happy for a while
Til the left her alone in a part of town she’d never been

As she lay brokenhearted, weeping and scared
Her daddy picked her up again, kissed her and told her He was there
He was weeping this time, much harder than before
Tears were flowing from his eyes still he did not blame or criticize
He whispered in that shaky breath “My daughter, I love you”

Dear God, please remind me again, I’m just a child in your arms
I can’t go it alone, I need to hold on to your hand
When I let go, stop clinging and holding fast to you
I only give myself pain but worst of all I hurt you too
Remind me once again, I’m just a child in your arms
Remind me, Lord, I’m just a child, just a child

The girl grows older, she is now a young woman
Facing the unknown and unsure of where to go
But this time she clings fast to her Father’s hand
Not letting go and now she’s never unsteady or unsure
People try to take her hand, but find that it’s held fast
Held fast by a love so great that they come to know it as well
Her daddy always holds her hand, showing her where she needs to go
Sometimes he needs to pull her, or gently nudge her where to go
Things aren’t always easy, but her hand it does not slip
It clings to her daddy’s hand and if necessary He picks her up

Dear God, please remind me again, I’m just a child in your arms
I can’t go it alone, I need to hold on to your hand
When I let go, stop clinging and holding fast to you
I only give myself pain but worst of all I hurt you too
Remind me once again, I’m just a child in your arms
Remind me, Lord, I’m just a child, just a child

The once little girl, has grown old now and grey
But she still clings to her daddy’s hand
She hasn’t turned away
Lately though she’s had to be carried most of the way
But her daddy’s arms are strong, but gentle kind and caring
He holds her close and still whispers “My daughter, I love you.”
She is the one who cries now, but He wipes away her tears
He promises that soon she will be out of her pain
But untill that day comes He carries her all the way
It finally is the day, she’s dreamed of since He first said “My daughter I love you”
He lets go of her hand as she slips away to sleep
Her wings unfold because they are finished and ready to be free
The fly her up to Jesus, she doesn’t stop she knows the way
She has been made a child again, pure and innocent in her daddy’s arms
Singing praises to her Daddy and dancing in His love

Dear God remind me again, I’m just a child in your arms
I can’t go it alone, I need to hold on to your hand
When I let go, stop clinging and holding fast to you
I only give myself pain but worst of all I hurt you too
Remind me once again, I’m just a child in your arms
Remind me, Lord, I’m just a child, just a child